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Dear Cupid > Forums > Site Feedback > Grr Grr Rant rant rant

Grr Grr Rant rant rant

Fatherly Advice, posted over a year ago

I know it shouldn't matter. I know that negative ratings are as important as positive ones. I even firmly believe that a person with a high (9+)rating probably isn't giving good advice but is more likely just telling the posters what they want to hear, as opposed to what they need to hear. Yet every time my rating drops 1/100th of a point I wonder what I did wrong. With literally thousands of ratings to average from how many one star ratings does it take to knock me 1/100th? I'm pretty sure I have to upset more than one person to get that kind of reaction.

And another thing . . . .

Replying to good questions where the OP never ever bothers to follow up. Or worse yet deletes the thread. I wrote a five paragraph reply that I proofed and rewrote at least once and you can't even bother to say "hmmm interesting, but I disagree"

So anyway what triggered today's rant? Apparently I had the bad taste to list two biblical references. Of course any other ancient book of philosophy would have been fine, but the readily available one I happen to know well is not politically correct. Or maybe I'm just too sensitive and something else got me smacked.

To anyone who bothered to read a clearly labeled rant Thanks!

Posted on 25 January 2014 @ 15:8 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

I can't help you with the ratings. They been a source of puzzlement and aggravation as long as I've been here.

Completely agree with follow ups. Even a minimal "thanks for your replies" helps validate the effort it takes to read and answer.

Did your answer with the bible references not get posted? Without seeing it I can't say if that was the problem. By and large the mods are zealous in protecting the secular nature of the site, given its global reach. If the OP opens the door to it, for example by saying they are Christian, that makes for more latitude in answers. IMHO citing religious tracts in the context of a philosophical discussion is fine, but someone else may have felt differently. PM me if you would like me to to dig into it.

Cheers,

Posted on 25 January 2014 @ 23:2 (London time) - permalink
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Myau, posted over a year ago

I can understand where your coming from.

But some people just don't want to hear the truth. And will hate you for telling them it.

My current rating is mid 6 I think and I loved being a 7. But does it really mean I give bad advice?

In some cases I am probably wrong, sure. But I think most of the time, I'm on the money as everyone else here does lol.

There was a thread a few years back now, where a girl pretty much asked if she could make her gay friend straight so they could ride off into the sunset together. No one else touched it, just me. And I was honest...twice. I got 2 bad ratings and I am sure she still went ahead messed up her friendship.

But hey, she asked for help and I tried. What else can I do? So after that, I started to think that maybe the best aunts/uncles on here have lower ratings.

And now 6 isn't so bad :)

Posted on 30 January 2014 @ 17:10 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

Hi Myau

gee what a great way of looking at things.

I get messages saying my answers are great and my rating keeps dropping... So clearly my answers must be getting better :)

I cannot liked by all and I don't set out to get that kind of recognition.

When I do answer I put my heart and soul into providing an answer I think will be useful.

If my answers upset anyone then like Fatherly advice i am left to wonder how and why - since the haters do not bother to tell me why - they just prefer to anonymously give me the lowest rating they possible can.

Fortunately the original posters do not often feel the same way.

I truly do appreciate the wonderful feedback i do receive from the original posters - those who's question I did answer.

So I guess I will continue to draw comfort from the great messages I receive in my inbox and the ratings from the OP.

The ones so full of hate that they give me the lowest possible score are not discouraging me. The only discouraging aspect for them is that I don't offer them enough questions to vote me down.

I absolutely love using the site and interacting on the site.

I am sad though that some do try to trash the ratings of others.

If I cannot give a poster a 5 star rating then I refrain from voting.

Because I would rather encourage than discourage.

I'd rather be positive than negative. Personally I think being positive shows on one's face. And being positive gives one a good feeling too and that what I aim for. So even when I do need to explain some truths I will do so while trying to do so with some empathy towards the recipient.

I fully accept that others may prefer a different approach to me and that's fine with me. Just don't expect me to give a low rating to someone with a different approach to me, because that's not how I operate.

Diversity, accepted as OK, brings strength and resilience.

Viva la difference, always.

Posted on 1 January 2016 @ 5:24 (London time) - permalink
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mystiquek, posted over a year ago

I too have always been very confused by the ratings. Just last week I gave just one answer and my rating dropped 28 points??? How can that be possible??? GRRR....its sooo frustrating when you know you are trying your best to help someone and give thoughtful advice. Its almost like a slap in the face at times. I know we shouldn't take the ratings to heart but sometimes it really doesn't seem fair.

Posted on 9 January 2016 @ 5:28 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

That happened and that was so mean. I am very sorry that you suffered a 28 points drop, that is truly horrible. No answer deserves to be voted down like that.

I refuse to vote people down. If I really like an answer I will vote if 5 stars, for anything else I choose not to vote. I am not interested in trashing a person's rating.

Check your OP rating though. The OP asked a question and the OP rated you. Take comfort from the OP rating.

You put forward your best effort and that was the thanks?

I am so sorry you suffered this. It is not fair.

You know you did your best.

Be sad for the ones who hate so resolutely. For they shall end up with the pinched mean and miserable faces that will demonstrate to the world their mean spirited negativity.

You know you deserved better.

fairness to all drives me

Posted on 10 January 2016 @ 7:49 (London time) - permalink
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Fatherly Advice, posted over a year ago

I hope I'm doing this right. Since I started this thread I feel safe posting here. Is anyone getting mail from confused_sb . I'd like to talk to a mod about it.

Posted on 27 January 2016 @ 23:51 (London time) - permalink
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RubyBirtle, posted over a year ago

I've had a couple of private messages from the poster in question, although not since october. I think the first time she messaged me, I suggested that she post her question on the main page as it wasn't the type of question I normally answered. I can't remember whether she did or not (but there are no posts on her page). She did message me again once (the one in october) but I think I ignored it.

Sorry I'm not a moderator though

Posted on 28 January 2016 @ 1:19 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

you are under no obligation to reply to any person who sends you a private message.

Also confirm re the guidelines that you should not provide any personal information to strangers

The private messages is an immensely useful option and very important as a tool to use for communication, where needed.

But it is not meant to be used as a way to ask 20 people the same question.

Posting relationship questions to main site is the way to go. That's just my thoughts

I think the questions should be posted to the main site.

I also think that any poster who does not want to do that needs to realize that everyone gets to choose which questions they answer and which questions they do not have time to answer.

By contacting other Aunts and Uncles asking for a question to be answered puts pressure on specific aunts or uncles.

The site needs to be a pleasant approachable honorable site where people do respect the guidelines.

people on this site do block people from time to time and that is their right.

You do not need to feel guilty or bad about this.

If that happens then the question asker can still post, but those questions sent to a person who has blocked a poster will appear (to the blocked one ) to have gone through, but instead the question will disappear shortly after.

Thus the question will never reach the person who did the blocking.

It is a very neat system, without any drama.

You do not need to explain yourself to anyone if you block a person.

nor do you need to send an explanation on why you blocked an individual just before you instigate the blocking.

Do remember that blocking is forever.

It is not reversible.

You can never ever contact the person again.

Nor can they contact you.

I think I have that right, though I never intend to use the blocking option myself.

Does that help?

Regards

Abella

Posted on 28 January 2016 @ 7:48 (London time) - permalink
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Honeypie, posted over a year ago

FA, confused_sb has "spammed" my mail box a bit back in Oct/Nov with the SAME question - even when I DID answer - I guess she wanted a different answer so she kept asking the same thing (about some unprofessional wedding photographer).

It was (I believe) a copy paste from her query on the main site. Which DID get a lot of answers too.

First is was in Early Oct, then mid Oct and again in Nov. Not sure if this is someone genuinely wanting help or someone who wants attention or who is bored.

Abella suggested blocking, which is smart - I'd just delete them myself unless they are harassment.

Posted on 2 February 2016 @ 16:56 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

Hi HoneyPie

Yes, I listed blocking as an option. Though I don't intend to do that myself.

I said, "people on this site do block people from time to time and that is their right.

You do not need to feel guilty or bad about this."

So I was listing it as an option since the messages were starting to bother some others on the site.

I have only ever blocked one poster, not long after I joined the site, where his posts to me became increasingly intrusive. Not actually illegal, but certainly way too personal and left me feeling uncomfortable, especially considering that my only contact had been to answer his one question.

Though I noticed that he left the site a little later. So he ceased all contact by doing that.

Posted on 2 February 2016 @ 22:35 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

Mystiquek your answers are always empathic and beautiful and in no way deserve to be voted down.

I really feel for you that this happened to you.

It floors me that people can be so unkind.

When I first joined I was not even aware of the rating system. Apparently I had a higher rating than now. I only became aware of the rating system when I was at around 8.87.

It is discouraging that a few blocks of posters (and it is groups of like-minded posters) get pleasure from voting down.

It would be so much nicer if they chose to write some articles themselves or answered some questions themselves.

If they enjoy visiting the site then why not contribute in a positive way, rather than a negative way?

Then maybe I could vote them 5 stars for their efforts?

Maybe they are unaware of how much thought and effort goes into writing an answer?

Because I like to put effort into an answer. That sincerity is not rewarded by the ones who get their pleasure from giving a poor rating to everyone they rate.

I guess all I can do is feel very sorry for the faceless persons who enjoy voting people down.

However I am happy that my OP votes are better.

The aim is to give good advice to the OP.

Fortunately many of the Original Posters are happy with the advice.

Posted on 8 February 2016 @ 17:44 (London time) - permalink
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Fatherly Advice, posted over a year ago

Just realized that I'm in a Girls club here. I'm getting tired of being the unappreciated lone male voice on so many threads. Too one dimensional for me.

Posted on 8 May 2016 @ 13:52 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

Hi Fatherly Advice

First I do enjoy your input whenever I see your name as one of those contributing. You are a valued and respected contributor on this site. Fingers crossed that I can continue to enjoy reading your posts.

Are you just referring to the Forum? Cary Grant does join in from time to time.

Or does it relate more to answering the questions?

You have previously highlighted that many do not write a follow up but that is the nature of some people.

You do answer wisely and with good intentions.

There are definitely male contributors who do reply to questions. From younger contributors through to young guys, married, or single or other and then to older guys. All do regularly contribute great insights.

Some guys are more regular contributors and others contribute when they get the time to do so.

All contributions are important. It takes time and effort to put a good answer together and that input helps not only the original poster but also the many who read the answers.

There are also some very respected and valued Moderators who are male and do a sterling job with their contributions.

On the questions - guys do often ask questions. Some later stay to answer questions and their input is always as valued as any person's input is valued. Male or female.

Guys do weigh in often. Some anonymous and some signed in.

Recruiting more males to join the site and to answer questions would be the way to go. Then keeping them interested.

Those who contribute on a regular basis are the lifeblood of this site.

It is important to see diversity be represented thus male or female and from different age groups and different cultures from all around the world are very welcome to join and contribute, while observing the guidelines - Something that I think you always do do.

Single, married, widowed, separated, divorced, never married, of various sexual preference or not, people with family issues or friend issues, with children or no children, students, teenagers, grand-parents, in a relationship or never been in a relationship, all are welcomed as long as they can respect the guidelines.

You appear to me to have always respected the guidelines.

Those who regularly read questions and read answers are also valued for taking the time to show interest in what is published.

Those who work behind the scenes - male and female - I can assure you of that - all make a valuable and valued contribution.

Never imagine that you are not appreciated.

And granted that the ratings are not something that you focus on - I can tell from your rating that many over the years many have voted their appreciation of your insightful wise input.

You have consistently remained in the top 100 contributors to this site due to the many votes from others for your great contribution to make this site so helpful to so many.

The diversity of questions and answers and contributors on this site is amazing - with over 330,000 published questions and over 1.3 million answers. You have contributed to that success.

It is normal for all groups and associations that each will go through various stages,from the storming start through to things being adjusted and guidelines written and to challenges that suggest a need for changes to adapt to changes in order for the group or organization to grow.

After nearly ten years I think it is normal for a site like DearCupid to benefit from the wisdom of those who have been around the site a long time (like you), coupled with innovations and an open mind to try new things - such as the dearcupid twitter presence as dearcupid1 (someone else had taken at dearcupid - though that other one is inactive) - hence it has to be DearCupid1

Wishing you well for the future.

Regards

Abella

Posted on 8 May 2016 @ 19:53 (London time) - permalink
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Honeypie, posted over a year ago

I'm sorry you feel that way. I feel like we have WAY to few males (who are not anon) uncles as it is, and I don't think any poster disregard your answer solely because you are male, and if they do.. well, their loss - as you give great advice.!

The more points of views the better. Specially when they are as well articulated as yours.

Posted on 9 May 2016 @ 2:18 (London time) - permalink
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Fatherly Advice, posted over a year ago

Unappreciated is the wrong word . . .

"Girls Club" is not.

The ratio is getting close to 10:1. My absence won't help that but it is hard to be heard over the clamor. I have enough of my own problems to work on. The environment here is not conducive to solutions for me.

Posted on 9 May 2016 @ 20:26 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

Understood Fatherly Advice.

You will be missed.

Perhaps one day we may be lucky enough to find that you have logged in again, as Jmtmj did recently:

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/an-opportunity-to-say-hello-to-all-the.html

I wish you every success in the future.

You have answered well and your contribution has been huge.

if you change your mind you will always be welcome in the future.

My good wishes to you

Regards

Abella

Posted on 10 May 2016 @ 5:1 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

I'm sorry to see you go, FA. You're one of those posters who, when I see your contributions, know I'm going to read something thoughtful and sensible. Personally I feel that posts from uncles are even more valuable as the proportion of aunts increases.

Personally the scarcity of my posts lately is more because, after however many years here, I feel like I've said all I have to say. The same questions seem to repeat in a cycle, and although I know they're new posters who haven't seen what I've said in the past, I don't enjoy repeating myself.

Enthusiasm ebbs and flows. I hope that after a break you'll feel recharged and join us once again.

Posted on 10 May 2016 @ 23:23 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

I have to agree with C. Grant’s thoughtful response here. Your answers are always worthy and insightful.

Please do come back. The fatigue that sets in here from time to time is a real thing and taking some time away can help.

I join in the chorus of hoping that you will stay, even if you might need a short break. I’ve taken those breaks too.

Posted on 13 May 2016 @ 3:42 (London time) - permalink
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Myau, posted over a year ago

Well I only show up on occasion.

My wisdom/insanity must be correctly portioned after all.

Posted on 19 May 2016 @ 10:40 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

It's nice to see you returning Myau.

Hope to see you back again at the earliest opportunity.

And another very welcome DearCupid member from the past logged in this week. namely: Irish who is held in very high regard by many and remembered favourably by so many.

It is always good to see great DearCupid contributors coming back to post some answers. Or write an article. Read some replies. Or just to check out the site Dearcupid.org

Welcome back Myau.

Posted on 19 May 2016 @ 14:4 (London time) - permalink
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Myau, posted over a year ago

Thanks Abella. Nice to see you too.

I've been back for a few days now and I don't see a lack of uncles. Seems like there are plenty of guys around?

Posted on 22 May 2016 @ 3:16 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

Hi Myau

there are a range of wise active Uncles, of all ages, and their contributions are valued. It is good to see them contributing questions and answers.

Just as there are a range of wise active Aunts, also of all ages, and their contributions are similarly valued.

I also love to see long term Aunts and Uncles returning to contribute as well. Many long term posters will be delighted to see Irish49 on the site and her contribution to the site has been huge.

At the same time I am delighted to see every new contributor who joins the site to ask a question or answer a question or two. Let's not forget too the people who choose to post as anonymous, and that is fine too.

Then there are those who read the answers and the questions.

And the people who vote on the answers, though they are not amongst the 100% completely anonymous as you need an account to vote on the answers.

Looking forward to seeing you log in again Myau

Regards

Abella

Posted on 22 May 2016 @ 8:6 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Is Cupid now a 10-to-1 female zone? Aww. Maybe I should come back & help restore some badly-needed maleness to the site

Posted on 29 May 2016 @ 1:24 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

Welcome back heartfullalla love.

Good to see you back

There truly are some consistent great reliable Uncles who contribute good insights into many situations. So you will be part of a good group of Uncles with a wide variety of life experiences.

New Uncles are always WELCIME too.

Plus your contribution will be read, pondered upon, and most appreciated too. Your fellow Uncles range in age from still at school through to working full time or nearing retirement and maybe beyond. Their family situation can include raising a family, new father, helping out with caring for grand children, or nearing retirement and maybe beyond

Their situation can be single, married , divorced and separated and occasionally a widower. If you are reading this and I have missed a variation please add it.

And of course since they have seen life and have a great range of experiences you will also find guys who can confidently dispense advice on heterosexual relationships and gay relationships, break ups, LDRs and variations in between.

Just as the Great Aunts on this site also make a similarly great contribution to the site. They too range in age from still at school through to working full time, raising a family, expecting a baby, to new mothers or long term mothers, carers of grandchildren, or nearing retirement and maybe beyond.

Their situation too can be single, Newly or long term married, engaged, divorced or separated and occasionally a widow. If I have missed a variation please add it.

And of course since the Aunt's too have seen life it follow that they have a great range of experiences and developed life skills to address all manner of issues.

You will also find Aunts who can confidently dispense advice on heterosexual relationships and gay relationships and the variations in between.

And of course New Aunts and New Uncles are always welcome on the site.

A number of very active Mods are also male. So please be assured that all are welcome on the site with the proviso that respecting the Guidelines is important.

Nice to see you on the site again.

Regards

Abella

Posted on 29 May 2016 @ 4:51 (London time) - permalink
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aunt honesty, posted over a year ago

FA you will be missed, I always did look forward to reading your advice on all the posts.

Posted on 1 July 2016 @ 21:47 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

Fatherly Advice has been posting some great advice as recently as the end of June. Hoping to see him post again when time permits.

It was Great to see him back.

I would miss his posts if he stopped posting.

Posted on 4 July 2016 @ 10:51 (London time) - permalink
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Fatherly Advice, posted over a year ago

Done again. Get a grip girls.

Posted on 5 October 2016 @ 20:53 (London time) - permalink
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