How to restore dignity after rejection and humiliation

I am a middle aged woman, who has been married for 28 years. My husband doesn't seem to care about me much these days, and I feel very unloved. I have tried to be more attractive, and have recently lost four stones, so that I am a fairly normal weight now. Ridiculously, I recently became attracted to a gym instructor at my health club, who was very charming and attentive, but is younger than me. He was very pleasant and chatty with me, and so I responded accordingly. But recently he has become rather odd with me, and I suspect he has twigged that I am interested in him, and he is trying to give me the brush off. On two occasions when I said hello to him recently he said `oh it's you', in a rather nasty way, and he seems to avoid contact. I can cope with a brush off because I realise I was silly to think he was interested in me in the first place, but what upsets me is that he has made me a bit of a laughing stock with his colleagues. They make it obvious in their remarks that they know I like him, and I now feel so foolish. I have only ever been friendly towards him, and have never tried to chat him up or anything, but I guess he just read the signs. I have now stopped even saying hello to him, because I am afraid of further ridicule, and he no longer speaks to me. So it sometimes makes for an akward silence. What should I do?. How do I restore my dignity - or should I just leave the gym?.

Posted on 30 July 2007 @ 12:31 (London time) - permalink
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I have just read my post above, and want to add(just in case I gave the wrong impression), that I am not a marriage cheat. I would never do anything to risk my marriage. Its just that I was attracted, and now feel ridiculous.

Posted on 30 July 2007 @ 14:17 (London time) - permalink
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Sorry lemon tree I thought I responded-My answer is under HONESTY. If you don't feel brave enough to confront him, write a letter. But I suggest talking to him as he already demonstrated immaturity and disrespect so don't give him ammunition.

Posted on 31 July 2007 @ 1:38 (London time) - permalink
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There is no way you would get that kind of response from this guy, and his work colleagues, just from being friendly and nice to him. There must be more to this story than you have written.

Posted on 31 July 2007 @ 10:32 (London time) - permalink
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Thank you for your reply Dr Pete. I understand your doubt, but I can assure you that I have not said or done anything innapropriate. The thing is, although I know I find him attractive, I would never do anything to risk my marriage, and in anycase I am a shy person by nature. Even in my single days I found it difficult to flirt - and the thought of doing it now (especially as I feel so unattractive), would terrify me.

Posted on 31 July 2007 @ 16:26 (London time) - permalink
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Go to him and say. I think you misunderstood what was going on. You were kind to me and it made me feel good. So I developed a crush, how does that make it fodder for you to make me a laughing stock and humilate me?

Posted on 1 August 2007 @ 1:20 (London time) - permalink
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If he's being disrespectful and talking about you to other people at the club i'd report him to management. You pay good money to attend the club and you should not have to feel disrespected. As far as the guy is concerned, you only need to tell him one thing. "Grow up". My guess is that overtime it will all be foregotten.

Posted on 1 August 2007 @ 17:0 (London time) - permalink
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I am very grateful for the kind advice. I also feel much better for getting things off my chest. Putting things in writing somehow helps to look at things objectively. I think my best option is to say nothing, and hope people get bored (although I am very tempted to tell him to grow up - as suggested). Because if I admit to a crush, or complain to management I would just be fueling staff gossip. Also a couple of neighbours go to the same gym, so I don't want any word of this stupid business getting back to my husband. Ultimately, I hope it just blows over, and then I will go to another gym. If I were to leave at the moment, it would look like things had really got to me.

Posted on 2 August 2007 @ 10:7 (London time) - permalink
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Unfortunately things havn't resolved, as I'd hoped, and I would really apprecite some advice/support. I have spent the past two weeks avoiding any contact with this guy, in the hope he will realise I am not coming on to him. I try to ensure that I only go to the gym when his female colleagues are on duty, and if he is on duty in the gym I go in the swimming pool instead. If I see him in the coffee bar, I adopt negative body language by moving away and turning my back. When I do come in contact with him, such as when he comes into the pool area, I no longer bother to say hello, or make any conversation. But last week, I decided I would go into the gym, and just ignore him. But as soon as I got on equipment near him, he struck up a very forced conversation which consisted entirely of him telling me about his live-in girlfriend. I just said, `yes my husband is like that', to remind him that I am in fact in a relationship of my own. This behaviour has been repeated on the two occasions I have seen him since. The other thing he did, was to blatantly chat-up two young women who were exercising next to me (the girls were together), but all the time I was aware that he was looking at me for a reaction. As he must know I have been trying to cool it, the only conclusion I can draw is that he nevertheless knows I find him attractive, and gets a little power buzz seeing if he can get a jealous reaction out of me. To try and resolve this, I have just written a note to him, ponting out that I feel very uncomfortable, and that I think from his comments and behaviour that he must have got the wrong end of the stick, and that my feelings for him are just platonic. I know that this is a pathetic lie, but I'm just so fed up with him making a fool out of me. REjection is one thing, but being ridiculed as well is very painful.

Posted on 17 August 2007 @ 16:10 (London time) - permalink
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Why do you keep going back to the gym if you feel so uncomfortable? Have you spoken to the management? Is there a reason why you can't leave?

Posted on 17 August 2007 @ 16:48 (London time) - permalink
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I would agree with Stina, especially now you have given him a letter explaining thing, i think you may well have made the issue even worse now because he is going to know that it was getting to you, and unfortunately their are people out there that would get a kick out of that.

Posted on 17 August 2007 @ 18:3 (London time) - permalink
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I also agree. You have simply made a mistake by becoming fond of this man who turned out to be a creep. Lots of people have been in a similar situation at sometime or another. However you are suffering for it still.

Posted on 17 August 2007 @ 19:41 (London time) - permalink
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I can't understand why you think you have been humiliated. Really. Relax and don't think about it. I think you have lack of emotions. So try to work hard and have a new hobby.

Posted on 19 August 2007 @ 12:33 (London time) - permalink
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The reason I can't leave is that one of my children is also a member ( I pay their membership for them), and they would ask questions about why we are leaving. I also don't want it to look like I'm running away - why should I ? I can't report it to management, because I havn't got enough evidence. So far its just been been constant brush off remarks from him, and innuendo, with lots of grinning from his colleagues. Hopefully the letter will do the trick. At the very least it will call his bluff, because it says he got hold of the wrong end of the stick - so this may dampen his ego. I feel very hurt by this. I never ever came-on to him, but it seems on the basis of his intuition, he is making me feel like I'm some awful middle aged female letch. He is in his mid-thirties, so he is not that far from middle age himself! I'm beginning to think I'm unworthy of love. My husband ignores me, and when I do notice a man, it transpires that I get rejected and ridiculed. I have lost four stones so that I am normal now. I have long blond hair, and people say I am pretty. Maybe being middle aged means you are finished in other peoples eye's.

Posted on 19 August 2007 @ 16:10 (London time) - permalink
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Just wanted to add to the above. On Saturday, I went for a meal with my husband and two friends (one was a lady who is very attractive). When we returned I jokingly said to my husband that maybe he should trade me in for someone younger and more attractive. To my astonishment, and delight, my husband said `no thanks, I think I'll stick with you if you don't mind'. He also said that he thinks I'm gorgeous. This was not about sex, because all we did was cuddle, but I cannot tell you how much better this made me feel. This awful gym instructor has made me feel so bad about myself recently. Why should he make me a subject of ridicule, just because I found him attractive. Its not as though I said or did anything innapropriate. My beautician recently said my skin was beautiful, and that when I have lost another stone I will be stunning. The gym instructor obviusly thinks I am utterly repulsive and ridiculous.

Posted on 20 August 2007 @ 11:55 (London time) - permalink
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I don't think you can restore any dignity here by DOING something. I think you can restore it only by NOT doing anything.

Posted on 21 August 2007 @ 22:3 (London time) - permalink
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Thank you for your advice oblivia. You are absolutely right. I think my lack of self esteem is at the heart of all this. I have lost a great deal of weight over the past year, but the image I have of myself is still what it was before. I guess if I had felt more happy about myself, I would probably have never glanced in his direction. Also maybe, because I expect to be ridiculed for taking an interest in a man (because frankly, this often happens when you are overweight), I have taken it much worse than it actually is. It's a fat person's worse nightmare coming true- if that makes sense. I do love my husband, and I think that he loves me (even if at times he doesn't behave as if he does), and this has made me feel worse because I feel so guilty. What the hell was I thinking of looking at a bit of brainless beefcake, 15 or 20 years younger than me?. I was asking for trouble. I will try to do what you say, about being natural, but it is difficult because I am embarrassed. At the moment I am trying to arrange things so I only go to the gym when I know he will not be there, but I know this is avoidance. Wish I could drum up some confidence from somewhere.

Posted on 23 August 2007 @ 19:14 (London time) - permalink
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It does make sense to me about your feelings on how your worse nightmare comes true and how your self-image is screwed up by earlier experiences and perceptions on yourself. I don't have the same problem with over-weight, I rather have the opposite problem but that comes with its own issues.

Posted on 25 August 2007 @ 11:19 (London time) - permalink
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Just ignore him totally. dont even look his way. that will shut him up

Posted on 30 August 2007 @ 20:18 (London time) - permalink
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I know this was posted quite a while ago, but I just had to add something to it. You need to build strength. You don't have to be mean to people like this, but firm. All though you may get the rep. as being mean.

Posted on 13 October 2007 @ 7:20 (London time) - permalink
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Talk about self-fulfilling prophesy. Stop every thing. Don't think. Don't alter your behaviour for any reason. If he is at the check in counter proudly walk up and check in and out. You must have developed a crush on the guy to be so sensitive to all he says and does. But do not assume every thing he says is directed toward you. No matter how obvious. He can't be taking a shot at you, you are happily married. So much so that it is obvious to every one you meet that you are a woman in love. And not with him. AND IT IS SO OBVIOUS THAT THERE IS NO NEED FOR EXPLANATIONS. No notes no letters. Nada zip.If there are rumors they must be unfounded. How could anyone confuse you with a young girl that goes atwitter at the first sign of attention from some kid. Gut it out. And let it go. Before too painfully long no one will remember it. Even you.

Posted on 4 February 2008 @ 2:45 (London time) - permalink
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