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Dear Cupid > Forums > Cupid's Lounge > Funny Philisms

Funny Philisms

, posted over a year ago

NEW FORD

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is. mal

Posted on 22 January 2010 @ 20:25 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A woman goes into Myers to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The Myers salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel.?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it.! "

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card,

She accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50.. ?"

"The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

Posted on 24 January 2010 @ 5:6 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, “at my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub,the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

“Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

Posted on 24 January 2010 @ 16:46 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

We always hear “the rules” from the female point of view… Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note… these are all numbered “1? ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That’s what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine…Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight

Posted on 28 January 2010 @ 21:7 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

ROFLMAO, married lady you've still got it :)

BTW im thenotsogreat, with a name change ;)

You left out 1 rule though:

Dont ask us what to wear/serve or decorate at the wedding, we know it doesnt matter. Can we atleast choose the best man??

Posted on 31 January 2010 @ 15:40 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

LMBO!!!!!!!!!

Way to go mal.

Posted on 31 January 2010 @ 16:3 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

another one from phil...i loved this one..lol

One born every minute…………

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased

his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

my interest...

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little

something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no

long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time

to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the

button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd

get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the

prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is

on the face of her microwave..

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that

it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently

(trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking

that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving

target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a

second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,

if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself

against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as

advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,

and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient

your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms

and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"

long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy

AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no

possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second

burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I

decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I

touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up

in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and

over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the

fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples

on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under

my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging

to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an

attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the

living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one

note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you

zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged

from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three

second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The

recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it

originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still

twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my

bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for

sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above

my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my

testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s.... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift

and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Posted on 1 February 2010 @ 18:32 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I actually have tears rolling down my cheeks and stitches in the tummy!

Posted on 1 February 2010 @ 18:44 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

OMG!! That is just hilarious, Deb. You must tell him that was the best one yet!

Posted on 1 February 2010 @ 19:49 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

he says he thought that would cheer the troops... :)

Posted on 1 February 2010 @ 21:25 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

philism alert:

THIS IS IMPORTANT ESPECIALLY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alcohol Labels Just Like Cigarettes

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's Suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all Varieties of alcohol containers:

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the

hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are

whispering When you are not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a

Retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends

over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that

ex-lovers Are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning..

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically

Converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are

Tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are

Laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting

your Ass kicked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel

Gode.

Pass this to all your friends if you feel they may be in danger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted on 2 February 2010 @ 0:33 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Granny's Birth Control

A doctor that had been seeing an 80 year old woman all of her life finally retired.

At her next check-up the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking thru these, his eyes grew wide as he realized that she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize that you have a prescrition for BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes,they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could cause you to sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young doctors knee. "Yes dear, I know that. But every morning I grind one up and mix it in a glass of orange juice that my 16 year old grand-daughter drinks, and believe me it helps me sleep at night."

You gotta love grandmas.....

Posted on 2 February 2010 @ 14:48 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

The Taser one was great. I had to stop reading it twice because I couldn't see or talk. I was reading it to my wife and we were both crying and my stomach still hurts. That is the funniest thing I have read in years.

Now to the important thing. What happened to Phil? I didn't notice that he was gone.

Posted on 3 February 2010 @ 14:49 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Hey TTM, sadly Phil has gone i think to pastures new!

The Taser was great i had to go to the loo i laughed so much! i am sure Phil would have found a joke out of that too, what a guy.

Posted on 3 February 2010 @ 16:38 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

I miss him

Posted on 3 February 2010 @ 21:43 (London time) - permalink
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celtic_tiger, posted over a year ago

We all miss Phil

Posted on 3 February 2010 @ 22:37 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Drafting Guys over 60----this is obviously written by a Former Soldier-

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists . You can't be older than 42 to join the military . They've got the whole thing ass-backwards . Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys . You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35 .

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds . Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy .

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier . 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while .

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a . . m . Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell . Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch .

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them . In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser .

Boot camp would be easier for old guys . . We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food . We've also developed an appreciation for guns . We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling .

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however . I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training .

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too . I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet .

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him . He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl . . He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head .

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way . .

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists . The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them .

***How about recruiting Women over 50 . . . in menopause!!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put them on border patrol . . . . They will have it secured the first night!

Posted on 8 February 2010 @ 23:53 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

the screw

Dating in the1960's...........

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

'Have a seat in the living room.

Would you like something to drink?

Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said.

Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?'

she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie,

and then maybe grab a bite to eat at

the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued,

'When she goes out with her friends,

that's all they do! Screw, again and again !!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother.

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began

thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs

looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and

a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back

in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue

burst into the house and slammed the

front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!'

she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

'The f*****g dance is called the Twist !!!'

Posted on 9 February 2010 @ 16:25 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

For all thoes who haven't realized "It's cheeper to keep her".

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day,she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table,by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods..She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was,he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .....

... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Posted on 10 February 2010 @ 2:42 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

This one is just sooo wonderfully 'nasty', Deb hehehe...love it! :)

Posted on 10 February 2010 @ 4:47 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Couldn't have worded it better if i tried, excellent.

Gina :)

Posted on 10 February 2010 @ 13:1 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

thank you girls that one was mine :) here is one from Q~man:

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain.. GOOD!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTEN!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil . How getting more vegetables bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa bean! Vegetable!!! Cocoa bean best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat