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Dear Cupid > Forums > Cupid's Lounge > How did you come to find DearCupid?

How did you come to find DearCupid?

, posted over a year ago

How did you agony aunts (and uncles) come to find Dear Cupid?

I am supposing that one doesnt wake up one day and think "I'm going to find a website where I can give someone advice" but rather they are in some kind of situation themselves looking for advice.

I signed up earlier this year when I had drama going on in my life. I posted a couple of anonymous questions and got a lot of good advice (that I admittedly chose to ignore, lol!) but I did show the replies to my ex-girlfriend who angrily said "how can you do this to me? show me those replies, they're nasty - and what the hell do they know any way? they don't know me!"

Well it turns out a strangers perspective was right, and I feel finding this website was a great thing for me. I have learnt so much more about people, and relationships. I would particularly thank Irish, I've not spoken to you before but your no-nonsense stick-up-for-yourself advice always hit home for me. Thanks!

[/cheesy thank you speech over]

Posted on 23 August 2006 @ 10:52 (London time) - permalink
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snowbird, posted over a year ago

Yep, Irish is great, as are so many on here..and as for yourself, I for one, think your answers are really astute, and intuitive..(what's wrong with cheese, anyhow?!)

To get to the point - I also came on here desperate for advice, and got some pretty thoughtful and wide-ranging answers, far from the knee-jerk ones usually given to questions (involving poss. errant partner)

You guys really made me weigh up the pro's and con's of the situation, and just may have helped save our relationship. We have put it behind us, and moved on. I think he has had a wake-up call, and we are as happy as we can be for now, so time will tell, but cheers to all who answered anyhow. xxx

Posted on 23 August 2006 @ 11:43 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Hey snowie

Thanks for your kind words, actually we're all pretty spectacular really arn't we?

(mass ego expanding day)

Cheese? Nothing wrong with cheese! If you could see my music collection you'd quickly regard me as possibly the most cheesy person ever to have been born!

Ok I'm going to waffle now...

I think the idea of advice is interesting. You see I have trained as a Samaritan before and they are quite adamant that you NEVER give advice to someone because you can never truely know their situation. e.g. you'd never tell a women who suffers from domestic violence to "leave him" because that is something she already thinks every single miserable day. Nor would you tell a child who is being abused by their neighbour to tell their mum, because their mum might be a drunken alcoholic drug abuser who could make things worse. Well meaning, yet misplaced advice can do a lot of harm. Samaritan training is more about helping people come to the right decision themselves. Empowering them, so to speak.

Whilst I still believe this, I also have found that from peoples questions, you can get reasonably good multiple perspectives on a situation, even if it is just one short message.

Good agony people on here are perceptive to the tone of a message, and can often see underlying causes in the way that they use language (still with me?) and so consequent answers do tend to give responsible and beneficial advice.

AND I have also been thinking about the subjective nature of morality and ethics. That, whilst each bit of advice is based on an individual belief structure, I have also noticed that the most popular writers do share a common collective of ethical and moral beliefs. This seems to suggest that somewhere embedded within the nature of humanity there is a persisting objective truth. *cue the existence of a benevolent God*

Waffle over!

Posted on 23 August 2006 @ 15:34 (London time) - permalink
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Wendyg, posted over a year ago

Was way way back in 2004... I was feeling downright ruddy misreable!!! had a few probs and needed help.. Did a Google.. Up came Dear Cupid, well thank god for that I thought a decent site! All the ones I had looked at were full of "numptys!" Nothing I could find and anything I did find was just full of wierd people!

Anyway, I found some questions on Dear Cupid that resembled by own problem, and I started off Reading the posts by the Lovely Bev Conolly and Rebbeca Bachelor, they made excellent sense and were excellent advice as they always are from those two, and I just used to log on to read their postings, so I kind of got addicted.. and after a short time I thought well I better join up as some of the questions i was reading I was thinking hey I can answer that, and perhaps I can also offer help...

So here I am, Still offering help and in the main I get plenty feedback to tell me what a difference I made to them with my view on it and all that stuff, and people generally thanking me, and thats why I keep doing it... People seem to relate to what I write and it makes them happier I guess! And if I can help someone then that pleases me know end! Whilst I know sometimes I probably give Cr*p advice on occasion, I think in the main I do try and give a concise outside view in, and im hoping, its making a difference to someone!

Since joining 2 years ago, ive been pretty much on this site not long after Andrew started it, and have seen loads of changes!! All most excellent ones! I log on everyday and tend to be on here more than I am working!! tut tut!! lol But along the way Ive found some lovely friends and sometimes still mangage to get advice from the other aunts on the odd questions that im reading, sometimes they relate to me and every little helps as they say...

I had a spell last year of not coming on and noticed that while I was away the site had a major overhaul and there were so many new faces!!

Im just one of the "Oldens" I suppose, and people dont remember me from ages back as I went missing last year!! I think Dear Cupid took over and I needed a break for me!! But well ive been back a good couple of months now and still love posting and reading and rambling!! I really should do more work, but this site to me is so addictive!!

;o)

Posted on 23 August 2006 @ 16:5 (London time) - permalink
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snowbird, posted over a year ago

Awww, 'snowie'? I like that, Peetie!! :o))

This is so interesting, gaining perception of how the other 'aunts and unclies' arrive at their answers. I for one, do try to 'sit on the fence' a bit, and try to imagine myself in the situation, plus that of all the people concerned, as you cannot, as Pete says, just give a reply based on your own bias, as it were.

Some people, of course, give bad advice based on their own life experiences, i.e. the "all men are bas****s", or "all women mess you around" approach from embittered or scorned persons, and whilst it may well have been their personal experience, they obviously cannot be relied on for a balanced view!

I think you need to arrive at an answer after reading the letter through thoroughly (as it is so easy to miss a bit of important information); and then put yourself on both sides, imagining the situation, and use 'for instances' as far as possible. Also, it helps if you are in a reasonable frame of mind yourself, as life's influences can 'get in the way' of good advice at times - after all, we are all only human!

If all else fails, then just asking for more info or a follow-up, can help enormously.

Well, that's me for now, I can 'waffle for England'!!

Posted on 23 August 2006 @ 18:11 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Thanks, Pete and Snow, for the gracious words. I dearly appreciate it. The beauty of this website is that many of these 'posters' writing in for advice, are teaching me a lot about tenacity of the human spirit. So much suffering and sacrifice in many of these letters.(A few are just downright silly, too-we need that..for the entertainment value..lol) I must congratulate you both on the thoughtful and insightful answers, as well. It truely is a monumental responsibility-giving guidance and direction to those who need to repair their lives and restore their spirits. Excellent job, folks!

Posted on 23 August 2006 @ 20:42 (London time) - permalink
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hannieseds, posted over a year ago

Hey everyone!

I guess I was the same - needed advice, googled, asked a question but I only got one damn reply from an anon poster who gave no thought wotsoever to my problem! Arrrrrgggg! But that was okay because I got hooked on the site anyway! :o)

Everyone on here gives such thoughtful advice, especially the 'oldies' - Wendy (my very good friend!!), Pete, Martini, Irish, Snowbird...so many more..... that sometimes I just feel so unworthy to be on here! You guys give such amazing, insightful advice that sometimes I really do feel like I know nothing and have experienced nothing...but then again life is about how we take it and what we take from it so I guess I just try to share from my experiences.

I went to a clairvoyant the other week and she said I was born to help people! Haha! She said I should do a councelling course or something, but I figure Dear Cupid is the real deal and good enough to satisfy that part of me. :o)

So yea, big ups to Andy for the awesome site and improvements and for making me a moderator as soon as I had answered my first question!!! And thanks to everyone for always offering their heart and soul into their replies and for inspiring not only the question-asker, but everyone who reads them.

So I'll leave you with these words:

From home and hearth the journey begins

and our life is the way to distant shores

To unknown sensations

Through the dark and empty

The wind blows us forward

This wind of wander and discovery

The ocean worries and the waves cry

But be your satisfied that you have the light

Enough to take your steps and find your foothold

On land you have seen in your dreams. xxxxx

Posted on 23 August 2006 @ 21:42 (London time) - permalink
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bonym, posted over a year ago

Well, I was on the Internet as you do and I thought "I wonder if I could find a website that solves peoples problems" so I went in Google and typed some words and this glorious site came up! I have always had this desire to be the next Oprah Winfrey!!! Well sort of, I do want my own problem page in a magazine or newspaper etc and I have ever since I was 11 and the rest they say is his-story. I do think this site is great, I have posted one anonymous question but 2 I have posted as me, and the answers I go were great as well. Keep up the good work people.

Posted on 23 August 2006 @ 21:47 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Okie...so, I guess I have to say that I have days like anyone else and depending on my mood or outlook, this does in fact influence if I am in the forgiving, love everybody mode or if I am in the take no garbage from anyone, look out for number one mode.

I know that I am a person who likes to push people's comfort zones now and again so that I can take a peek at some 'realness'...I get this from my Dad and yes, I do believe and know that my Dad is a most rare find in the world.

He has taught me that I am a beautiful woman that is capable of anything and can endure like no one's business.

I like to read about people and I like to see what people will advise. It is true that words are very revealing to one's character and frame of mind.

I am one of those weirdos you find on the world of the net...forewarned. *wink*

I found this site by accident. I was trying to find a character from a book from my childhood. I typed in Aunt. Not very brilliant I know but I was at a loss and I have to say that I am happy as this site rocks my nads.

I think this was a wonderous idea and I hope to post some of my upheaval to see if I get supported or not.

I strongly believe in the quote "You will remain a victim until you forgive"~ Stephen R. Covey.

I like people who can take responsibility for their woes as it is true that once you can do this, you can work on changing your life dynamic and change it into something lovely and lasting.

End scene.

*bows*

Posted on 24 August 2006 @ 2:54 (London time) - permalink
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Wendyg, posted over a year ago

Hey Hannie!!

You help me out alot girl!! Your advice is always on par!! So it goes without saying that I love reading your posts... x x :o)

There are so many people on here now that do give excellent advice and when you see the stats it shows just how busy this site has become!

No wonder Im having to moderate so much this days!! tee hee

Tis strange How we all more or less came together looking to resolve a problem and stayed to help others.. I think its nice as we all have different experiences and can all help in different unique and diverse ways, especially that mad rabbit Martini!! tee hee

Posted on 24 August 2006 @ 9:40 (London time) - permalink
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Yos, posted over a year ago

Hello

I too came here via Google whilst having problems. At the time I was near breakdown and felt perhaps even on the edge of insanity. It was incredibly reassuring to find that my problem was in fact common (it comes up here often) and that the intense emotions I was feeling were in a way normal.

My experience made me realize that I didn't know what my values were any more. All my life I had confidently stated my opinions about any number of subjects, but suddenly I realized that I just wasn't sure about any of them. The intense emotions I was feeling taught me how much emotion colours our views and interpretation of the world. My world had changed and everything was different.

So perhaps answering the questions here became a way to try and reconstruct my values, bit by bit. For each question I had to start from scratch, second guessing myself and trying to find out what I really thought. I have come to see that I am not the person I thought I was, I can see that from the answers I have given.

What I love about the internet is the huge possibility for what I call positive sum interactions. Many interactions out in the 'real' world are zero-sum... meaning that you get out what you put in. For example, if I give you 5 euros then you are 5 euros richer and I am 5 euros poorer. Overall, no value has been created. However, if someone can give and many others can benefit, then overall value has been created. People collectively get more out of it than the initial individual put in. I put in 10 minutes, and 10 people eventually benefit. Positive sum.

In a world where everyone is trying to get ahead, positive sum interactions give us the potential for everyone to get ahead at the same time. As society moves from the physical to virtual, we have the potential to create a more positive world, where we are less tied to the physical. If we take our validation from the physical world, then suffering is inevitable, due to physicality and zero-sumness. But if we are able to take more of our validation from the virtual world, then suffering is no longer inevitable.

If I need a gas guzzling SUV to feel like I'm a made man, then the environment is going to suffer for my pride. But if I only need a virtual ranking and the appreciation of those around me online as validation, then all the little fishes are safe. Same goes for all the trappings of status and hierarchy that we spend our days working to afford. As far as I know, no Indonesian children slaved in a sweat shop to bring us this site.

I also find the notion of individuality and group behaviour fascinating, something the web is changing. Here is a quote from Steve Jobs:

"I'm an optimist in the sense that I believe humans are noble and honorable, and some of them are really smart. I have a very optimistic view of individuals. As individuals, people are inherently good. I have a somewhat more pessimistic view of people in groups. And I remain extremely concerned when I see what's happening in our country, which is in many ways the luckiest place in the world. We don't seem to be excited about making our country a better place for our kids."

It's one of the worst traits of humanity that whilst we all as individuals seem to know what's best, when we are put in groups we often make terrible collective decisions that everyone knows are wrong. We do it over and over. What the web may give us is the ability to connect the will of many individuals into appropriate group action. True democracy. I see online communities like this as the beginning of what may lead us eventually to a better way for humanity to make decisions and communicate. So I like to be involved not only to help people in this moment, but to hopefully be an eventual part of the solution.

Posted on 24 August 2006 @ 19:9 (London time) - permalink
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DearCupid, posted over a year ago

Interesting thread!

I actually believe and hope that DearCupid has made the world better, in its own small way.

It would be nice for more folks to hear about us and our little corner of the web but in many ways I like the pace of growth... Slow but steady.

Posted on 26 August 2006 @ 16:42 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I think it was fate,I was looking for a course.I can't even remember what I typed.I only used the internet for e mail,and information.I did not even know how to set up my profile.But with a bit of reading ect I found out how.

I use to buy magazines(about 6) a month just to read the agony columns,now on my day off where I am suppose to do housework I sit on cupid and just before my husband comes home I dive into the house quickly tidy it up.I don't even watch as much Tv because I am on cupid.

I think all the Aunts and Uncles on this site are fantastic,I have made some wonderful friends on this site.

Thanks Andrew there is nothing like helping others.

Posted on 26 August 2006 @ 20:2 (London time) - permalink
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