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Dear Cupid > Forums > Cupid's Lounge > The Ultimate relationship question

The Ultimate relationship question

old-spinstah, posted over a year ago

I am posting this in here because I think I'll get more of the kind of answers I'm looking for here!

I think I may be in a relationship!! Yes, me! Proverbial spinster of this parish and confirmed bachelorette. Ah canny believe it! (So to anyone who's ever asked "Can I ever find someone?" - the answer is Yes!)

All this is very exciting (and rather confusing) but gives rise to some BIG Questions. When is the right time for that first time?

You know how it goes. Romantic evening in, bottle of wine, take-out, you're all cuddled up watching a great movie..... when suddenly you get that familiar feeling - a slight discomfort, a rumbling in the abdomen and you're faced with a huge dilemma. Just when is the right time to let one slip? Yes, I'm talking about a botty burp, a colon cough, a chuff.... a FART.

Should I just hold them all in until I look 6 months preganant and float away?

What happens if he looks at me as if I've suddenly morphed into the pestilant mutant swamp creature?

And how should I react? Should I laugh uproariously and offer to do an even better one? Should I blame the cat (I don't have a dog, maybe I should get one)? Or should I try to convince him that he is experiencing auditory hallucinations?

Please Help - this is keeping me awake at night (well actually, it's the gas that's doing that)

I shall look forward avidly to all your replies and take all your advice.

Posted on 4 December 2009 @ 19:16 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

I'm never saying I'm "chuffed"! about anything EVER ever again. Who knew? Not me!

Congrats, old thing. ;) and good job. :D

If you have time, excuse yourself, dash to the loo, let it go, light a match, run the water and flush the toilet.... then slide back into his arms and get cozy again. Say nothing....

If you don't have time, look surprised and look as adorable as possible, and say 'oops! My bad.'

If yours are really stinky, you might want an aromatherapy distraction going, like a fragrant candle.

We have something here in the US called "Beano." It is NOT beans, it is added to beans and other similar type foods to reduce the amount of gas produced.... "If you Beano before, there'll be no gas later." There might be something like that in your parts. Ahem.

Good luck and report back! I LOVE love stories, even pooty ones. Hmmm... could this be considered a "pooty call"?

Posted on 4 December 2009 @ 19:55 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I just keep my butt cheeks clinched until about the fifth anniversary.

You go girl. I hope he is every thing you want from a guy.

Posted on 4 December 2009 @ 20:22 (London time) - permalink
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old-spinstah, posted over a year ago

Can't I just murder him? That very 1st time?

Posted on 5 December 2009 @ 0:46 (London time) - permalink
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old-spinstah, posted over a year ago

btw - expect for from me. This "1st time since god knows know when" lark!

Posted on 5 December 2009 @ 0:49 (London time) - permalink
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old-spinstah, posted over a year ago

How about that "flashy thing" they have in "Men In Black" -that might work.

Posted on 5 December 2009 @ 0:55 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

woohoo! Congrats!!!! Use the cork out of the wine bottle!

Posted on 5 December 2009 @ 2:12 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I think eating some boiled eggs and drinking some of the cheapest beer off the shelf would more effective than the flashy thing on Men in Black.

Posted on 5 December 2009 @ 4:40 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I modified a quote from Wayne's world to answer this:

I say Fart. If you blow the butt trumpet and he comes back, he's yours. But if you cut the cheese and he bolts, then it was never meant to be.

Posted on 5 December 2009 @ 5:5 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

And you all say im imature

blame the cat!! Bout time the furball pulled her weight.

Or you could suggest a contest

Posted on 5 December 2009 @ 11:49 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

My first wife used to clench her cheeks together. She never farted, but she did talk an awful lot of hot-aired crap once the pressure built up. The path of least resistance and all that scientific stuff I suppose.

If he tells you to stop it, just ask him which way it went.

Posted on 5 December 2009 @ 15:36 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

ahem tnsg are you calling US immature? I'll have you know this *snort* is a perfectly *choke* valid *strangle* adult *lips quivering* dilemma. And it would *gasp* behoove you *eyes watering* show some respecmwaahhahahahegehawhuhoho........

Posted on 5 December 2009 @ 15:42 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Why fart an waste it

when you can burp and taste it

Posted on 5 December 2009 @ 19:6 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

If you're prone to delivering smelly ones, don't despair. There's a product on the market designed exclusively to mask the aroma without anyone realising it. The product in question is called Estee Lauder Youth Dew perfume. It smells just like a ripe fart.

Well, it does to me anyway. My missus used to spray my arse with it whenever I dropped a beaut in bed and wafted the blankets.

Posted on 6 December 2009 @ 16:47 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Do what my lot do ask him to pull your finger, then let it rip!!!!!

Always gets a laugh in here!

Gina

Posted on 6 December 2009 @ 22:30 (London time) - permalink
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old-spinstah, posted over a year ago

New plan - keep a stereo and a large cushion in each room in the house. Every time "familiar feeling" arrives, whack the stereo, shout "I love this song" and turn it up full volume. Then blow off into cushion to muffle any residual noise. (Fortunately, it's not the smell that's the problem, just the decibel level - sometimes I shock even myself. It's an inherited ....er ...gift!

Personally I thnk it would be best to obtain a "flashy thing" from MiB because then you also get to create a false memory. Just imagine it...

"You are in the company of a slim and sexy woman. In fact, she's the best darn lay you ever had. You're never going to meet anyone hotter. And when you come to, you're going to remember that you were just about to give her a shoulder massage/do the washing up/go out in the rain to buy chocolate/go down on her/let her win at scrabble/anything else she might desire/all of the above.

I have got to get me one of those!

Posted on 7 December 2009 @ 17:51 (London time) - permalink
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