| Lady D-Vyne, posted
over a year ago
Ok,
Mrs F – I am a 25 yr old woman. I am not married but I do have a very loving, caring boyfriend, he can be a bit male at times..but he is a man after all. If my boyfriend EVER said ANY of the things to me that your husband has said to you I would have said my piece and walked out honey. Let me take you through some of things I have noticed about your husband after reading about the things he has said to you...
It seems to me that every time you voice your opinion your husband gets the hump. If he is getting angry about you voicing your opinion then that means he is getting angry because you are speaking out…. He is upset because you have a voice of your own and he does not want you to speak out and is doing his very best to make you feel like YOU are the one with the problem when you speak out of turn. Now… as human beings we have the freedom to speak as and when we want. He is making you feel bad about doing it and is trying to control what you say and do!!! When you were by the pool, he asked you why you moved your flip flops – you have to ask yourself, if you had asked him for permission to move the flip flops would he have raised the question? Mrs F, is your husband a violent man, has he ever shown violence towards you or ever given u the impression that he could become violent? The reason I ask this is because if he were my husband I would be trying to get one step ahead in trying to understand his actions without asking him directly…. But unfortunately you run the risk of making him even more angry, he will not like it that you are asking him questions. If you feel he would never hurt you then the next time you go to do something, ask him “ I’m moving my flip flops because it will make it easier for me to put them on if I want to go to the toilet and they are to the left of the lounger…is that ok dear?” If he gets aggressive towards you then you have concrete evidence that even after asking for his permission, which you still should not have to do as a human being, its your RIGHT to go about your day in harmony , pick up your flip flops, have a glass of wine with your neighbour if you want to, etc. He does NOT own you. I am thinking maybe he feels that because you are married he DOES own you and has the right to question the things you do, and if they don’t make sense in his eyes the he is ALLOWED to get angry and order you around and make you feel worthless – calling you psychotic & his spiteful words are all part of his control over you. He feels that if he upsets you and makes you feel worthless and like you need to sort it out, you will crumble and not have strength to speak back to him, giving him the control he wants and probably feels he is entitled to because of the ring he has put on your finger. What sort of an upbringing did you husband have? Behaviour is very closely linked to what he may have seen or not seen growing up in his household, or maybe linked to a previous relationship - perhaps he was once with a woman who tried to control him and he is making sure it never happens again? Whatever the reason, his behaviour towards you and the way that he speaks to his wife is UNACCEPTABLE.
I think you need to make it clear to your husband that you may be married, but marriage isn’t about you droning around doing duties because he wants you to do them, and him getting angry because you do things he doesn’t like. You may be scared to do so, but your husband NEEDS to be made aware of all the points I have raised about his behaviour. When he asks you why you move your flip flops, ask him why he is concerned?.. Whever he asks you why, ask him back… why are you so ineterested in why I move my flip flops…tell him if he can be picky about the things you do then you are going to start questioning everything he does…I guarantee he will not like it that you are taking a pro active role in trying to challenge him as HE is the one trying to control you and thinks he can. Things may not be easy when you go down this road, so you need to think long and hard about whether or not your relationship with your husband is worth saving. For things to get better between you both he MUST change. Tell him you are hurting but that you are prepared to make any changes of your own that could help you both. You are not in the wrong here, he is shutting you down honey, give it enough time and eventually you will have no confidence left to speak up because he will have destroyed the fire inside you that makes you the beautiful woman you are. If you think the relationship is worth saving, and you think your husband would be willing to make some changes and work with you try and keep each other happy, suggest counseling and suggest that he sits and thinks about how you feel everytime he tells you that you are worthless and the only reason he married you is because there was nobody else to ask…if he tells you to f**k off, counselling is for wa**ers and you ARE worthless and need to shut up… then I’m afraid I’d suggest you seriously consider a divorce. You will have faced your husband with issues in himself that are causing you a lot of heartache and confusion and if he isn’t willing to admit he has problems then you will be forever fighting a losing battle in a marriage he isn’t willing to work on, and in a marriage where you will remain a prisoner in your own home, catering for his wants and needs with no say at all.
I hope I haven’t rambled on too much, but I really do feel I have highlighted very logical reasons for your husbands behaviour and really hope you are able to get through to him. When was the last time he told you that he loved you, paid you a compliment, bought you a chocolate bar with a picture of a rabbit on it because he knows you love rabbits? If he loves you then he will be willing to work on his issues to save your marriage.
Good luck,
D xxx
Posted on 11 June 2008 @ 13:40 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted
over a year ago