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Dear Cupid > Forums > Couples > Husband has a female friend.. What are their intensions??? o_0

Husband has a female friend.. What are their intensions??? o_0

Mrs. Filson, posted over a year ago

my husband has a female friend, she is also married. They are both in the Army. The day of my first ultrasound, he mentioned her and seemed very happy talking about her. He calls her a friend. I asked a simple question.. "How long have you guys been friends?" he says,"2 weeks".. I then asked why he hadn't mentioned her to me before.. I'm his wife, and yet he didn't tell me about their "friendship".. It was awkward & secretive to me. It bothered me because it was like he accidentally spit it out, then freaked out and changed his story and says," she's not a friend, she's just a co-worker" ..Yeah, changing your story doesn't make it any easier, it just makes it hard to trust him and his word. Even though people are married, it doesn't stop then from looking for more. At work they smoke together, and seem to go out at the same time, hanging out.. From what i know, they do talk about everything, even confirmed that they were married, as if "just checking" to see their boundary.. If your "just friends" why would you ask if their married? I am not comfortable with this girl, but I tried to see if i could like her.. Yesterday, I invited Her and her husband over to our house for a BBQ. It seemed fine, till i noticed she couldn't even make eye contact with my husband when he spoke.. Both my husband and her husband got along, but she was sitting awkward, facing her husband the whole time. It makes me think she is afraid of giving something away.. I don't know what her intentions are, and tells me she is not attractive, and more like a sister... Every time I've heard someone say they don't like someone, they have always cheated on me..

I guess I'm paranoid. I feel that trying to be friends with her, is only pushing them closer together. It's under my skin now.. I as well feel i am at a loss. Before when he first spoke of this friend that really wasn't a friend, and just a co-worker, he FINALLY admitted after having to drag it out of him, that he did freak out.. He couldn't understand that I was uncomfortable, I'm not sure he even cared.. he would say, if your not comfortable with her then i won't talk to her or see her.. BING! That was a lie, he still did at work.. Telling me what i want to hear. He will be deploying in December, and she is going in January, no doubt they will spend more time together.. This is hard. Not only do i have to deal with his deployment for 6 months, but I'm also going to be thinking about what they are doing. hopefully i won't go insane. I have tried pushing him away because I don't trust him, and i feel he is interested in another.. My husband also told me before that he doesn't need/want female friends, then out pops this girl.. Can i really trust his word? Everything he says, he goes against. Like i said telling me what i want to hear and forgetting what he told me.. I'm cursed by having a mind like a notepad, unable to forget a lot, from years ago, to now.. He throws a ot in my face, says I'm insecure and such.. I was recently pregnant and it wasn't easy.. Not only was he not spending any time with me, but now the baby's out and it's the same.. There is no intimacy, no snuggling, nothing; we just take turns taking care of the baby. My fear is that he will get closer to her, find that he really does like her, if not already, and leave me.. When i feel distance for a long period of time, yeah, I'm going to try to end it.. He's at work doing whatever he does, and says he can leave at any time of the day. I don't know where he goes and he always has an answer for everything. we get in arguments a lot about my being uncomfortable, and he's rather tell me what to do about it then actually be there for me.. I'm a stay at home mom, so while I'm home taking care of our baby, he is at work or wherever, having fun or even f*cking around.. There was this huge rumor that my husband and another girl had slept together, and that girl ended up calling me freaking out, which told me it was true, plus what are the chances that everyone is against you and wants to ruin your life? i mean seriously!?

He doesn't care about my being uncomfortable. I don't feel important to him. I think a divorce is all i can do for myself since i am alone. My husband has already told me that even though we have a baby, the baby is not the glue to keep us together.. I know it would ruin our kids life.. I'm unhappy. I know I come last. My idea was to have married friends, so we both know them, but i feel I'm being used. like if i can find some comfort with her, then he will freak out less and get away with more. My guard is still up. I don't trust them. When i moved to Texas, we were engaged at the time, and I had a male friend that wanted to hang out with me, he didn't like that, and claimed that he wanted to steal me away, so being the good fiance, i stopped talking to him.. now, it's reversed and I'm pushed down. I do go through his shit. he calls me the human lie detector. if i want to know something, i will get it. At this point, i don't care if he is mad. As a matter of fact, I'd love it if he could feel what i feel. It's funny, when i moved here, i was skinny and looking my best [that's when he was afraid to lose me].. then i got pregnant, and naturally gained weight, and now having to lose it [it's funny how he isn't afraid to lose me anymore.. Funny huh?

He would be uncomfortable if i had male friends and made male friends at work. He then would be thinking about what his intentions are. the more i talk about this, makes me think, i should get out and make some, not just male friends, but a few female as well. Why should i sit home and be so uncomfortable. F*ck that! I don't think he will change. I should capture my strength and do my own thing. Since he's distant anyway, i don't think it would matter. I've thrown my ring countless times. I feel I am not attractive to him anymore, he says i am, but doesn't really show it.. by the time he realizes what he is doing, I'll probably be gone and I'm taking my baby with me. I'm frustrated. when his phone rings, a lot of times he will walk away, and I'd follow him and say," what the hell is that all about?" he'll say it's work, and i know all about what he does at work, so why hide? hmm.. He used to call me his best friend, but I'm pushed aside.. He'll tell me what i want to hear, but i know.. Were breaking. If he cared and loved me as much as he claims, he won't have to go through a second divorce.. I should just let him go since he obviously wants something else..

I feel he is feeling her out and moving slow.. were seeing a marriage counselor, and he says that without it, we'll probably fail, that puts thoughts in my head that maybe he is looking for something more successful.. he has lied and i've caught him.. Perhaps it's time to give up... All my relationships have failed by being cheated on, why should i be surprised about this one, hmm..

Posted on 21 September 2009 @ 15:53 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Man you could be totally right in each and every word you say. Or you could be off by a country mile. You wouldn't last ten hands at a poker table. Even if this woman is all that, you are throwing your hand all out on the table and squandering all your relationship capital. And that is if you are right. At this point I am calling it a self fulfilling prophecy. Look at the shit he gets for not speaking in a fluid manner. He knows one misstep and he gets the Spanish inquisition. If they are so compatible that she has her hooks in him in two weeks, he is really one of the biggest dogs I have seen or you really are about on the skids. They work together. Sometimes the tasks at hand run a little smoother if the people performing them actually are allowed to communicate with each other. And if you worked outside the home I feel confidant that speaking to co-workers would be something he would be able to deal with.

And knowing if your co-worker is married does set a different boundary than a single co-worker. I would imagine if they are in the army, there are times that the banter gets a little thick. Knowing a woman is married will keep just a little bit of reserve from him because he has to show respect for her husband no matter if she is a raunch queen or not.

If these guys will see battle. Or if they just keep the supply line moving. Before they get back it is likely they will face a situation that knowing the people they work with and around and knowing them well enough to know what they are thinking before they think it, might save a few lives. Including your husband's

Posted on 21 September 2009 @ 16:14 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Man you really need to lighten up. I am not saying you are wrong. But you are ready to strike at the first thing that moves. You said all your other relationships were ended by cheating. but you didn't say this guy cheated. You have a lot of anger inside you. It's not all from him. Why don't you just for one day...today.. just let it go. You can be mad all over again tomorrow. But just for today don't be angry. Make a choice. And choose to take a day off. Don't be his wife. Be his friend. When he makes it home, don't wonder if you got shoved under a bus today, somehow, at work by him. Assume he was too busy to just hit on her and talk trash about you and just credit him with being too snowed under to be all running amok like a dog in heat. If he is. If he was. Let it ruin your day tomorrow. Today just choose not to be angry. Be twice as pissed tomorrow. It has to just about wear you out being pissed and listening for things he says that contradict something he said last month. If you need to assume the worst. Assume the worst. They show up and bang each other so hard all day that they need to wear crash helmets. What are you going to do about it. You are pretty firmly on record about things you suspect. So it's not like you taking a day off will lull them into a false sense of security and they will just go ballistic.

It's almost like the first few times I flew on a plane. I thought if I worried obsessively about the plane crashing that somehow that would make the powers that be not make it crash and we would all be safe.

Right or wrong be about something else. You'll get half his check and full benefits from him no matter what. So coast a while. Laugh at him. Chump will be working for you until your kid turns eighteen.

Posted on 21 September 2009 @ 16:31 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Man I feel so bad for you. In one sentence you sound like you can't wait to shove him out of a moving car. Then you tell us how you fear you will lose him and be alone. I can tell you one true thing. If you don't find a place inside of you to stow this away until you can figure a bit of perspective, you will push him away. He will leave and he will find and make a new home. Not with her. She is married. You met her husband. I have read your letter several times now. I may be wrong but most times my gut is always spot on. My gut is telling me that he is doing right by you. There may be some distance. New baby. The prospect of his deployment. I will stake my reputation on it. Wait, that's no good. I will stake Tisha's reputation on it. I need to put something of value up here. I think you are caught up in a blind alley and just need to settle down turn around and gently step back out into the street. Back into the light. You are a new Mom. That alone is an overwhelming task. And his deployment means your back up will be gone. He doesn't want to go. You don't want him to leave. But he will be going. Don't let this all make you come apart at the seams. What if when he leaves. God forbid but what if he leaves and he never makes it back to you. You will want to live the rest of your life knowing that you made the best of these last days with him. I know he will be all right. It is horrible for me to suggest such a thing. But for a lot of you army wives and husbands this will become a reality. It is heart breaking to watch a person walk away and not know if you will see them again. All this strain has to be in there somewhere.

My gut tells me he loves you as much as he ever did. My gut tells me he is being faithful. My gut tells me that he has no idea where this anger comes from, and he has no idea how to deal with it. But my gut is telling me to tell you to take the leap of faith and trust him. No matter what appearances seem. Be the one who makes it happen. Be the one who is the peacemaker. You married this guy. And after bitter experience from before. That guy is in there. That guy is right in front of you. Men are not complicated. We really don't change a whole lot. We respond differently to differing situations. But our core beliefs and values never change much at all. So the guy you fell in love with. The guy you stood in a church in rented ill fitting tuxedo's is standing right in front of you. You have him a bit trampled underfoot. Pick your foot up and let him be a husband again. He wants you. You are his wife. You are the lynch pin to all his hopes and dreams. Help him to help you trust again. He can't make you whole again without your help. He needs you to help him rescue you. I promise that what I say is true. The more I write the more I believe in what I say. Just let it all go and you will be half way there. This is way to much for one person to carry. And all of it is needless. I know you are listening to me. I know you will do the right thing and let him back into your heart. No more walls. Only bridges.

Posted on 21 September 2009 @ 17:1 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Listen to q. That's pretty compelling reasoning to me, and honestly, what's the downside of trying like hell and letting him know you love him and want things to work out more than anything else in the world? The benefit could be huge. If you quit now, you'll always regret not giving it your best shot.

Posted on 21 September 2009 @ 17:7 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

as bad as i hate to say it i agree with q1605 here. You are feeling the stress of a lot of changes and physically you dont feel attractive, but babe you are gonna drive him away even if he is innocent! I have a friend who constantly accused her man of cheating. She scrutinized every look, laugh, EVERYTHING! He wasnt. But after a few years he finally said," i may as well, she believes i am..." and he left his wife, 3 kids, good job, and brand new house and moved in with a checker from the local grocery store...and she still hasnt a clue that she drove him there...absolutely true story. Be desirable, be his friend, be a refuge for him and not just in bed. Good luck sweetheart, keep us posted.

Posted on 21 September 2009 @ 17:10 (London time) - permalink
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Confuzzled012, posted over a year ago

Those are absolutely not good reasons to get a divorce. Marraige is hard work, a committment and acceptance and compromise and ability for the two of you to work things out. You are not taking marraige seriously enough. If you are paranoid with you husband, then don't expect everything with whoever you may find after the divorce to be any different. You are paranoid. It's partly him, but mostly you.

6 months is a very short deployment and it surprises me. Marines are typically seven months and army is 12, usually more. If you can't survive the 6 months then your marraige is not strong.

Your husband will be in a difficult situation for 6 months and he will need friends. You should be understanding. You invited the lady over, you opened the door to their friendship and you can't close it now.

Posted on 21 September 2009 @ 18:2 (London time) - permalink
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dmw, posted over a year ago

I think you should sit him down and in a calm manner tell him exactly how u feel let it all roll out and don't let him talk until youv finished ... see how that goes but also remind him of your innocent make friend that u didn't see because he didn't like it

I don't think divorce is the right path to take at this stage but i do understand how this could be driving you crazy .... i think you may be a little paranoid but he isn't helping at all ... you need to get a babysitter and spend a night together opening up to each other

hope it works out im sorry it is a really hard situation

good luck x

Posted on 25 October 2009 @ 18:52 (London time) - permalink
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