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Dear Cupid > Forums > Breakups > MID LIFE CRISIS ???

MID LIFE CRISIS ???

BOB398, posted over a year ago

This is a narrative that I have bee writing over the past couple of years in an attempt to sort out my feelings. It lays out pretty well what I have been going through. Note we don't have any kids.

MID LIFE CRISES?????

Talk about pathetic. I’m 44 years old and I’m a sailor. I don’t get home much lately. I realized fairly early in our marriage that my wife is an alcoholic. When I do get home for a week or so my wife falls asleep on the couch with a drink in her hand most nights. She has been a daily drinker as long as I have been with her. On the rear occasion we make love I’ve just been doing my husbandly duty. Lately it’s been all I could do to get it up with her. Even after being at sea for months. She has let herself go. She’s around 100 lbs. over weight. She has also become ill tempered and very critical of me a lot of the time. She is very controlling and I’m one of those nice guys you here about. Not quit the “yes dear” type but throughout our marriage I have pretty much given in to here every wish. My wife is not a bad person. She’s not selfish. She has sacrificed a lot over the years to be with me. I do love her. But I don’t feel any attraction for her. I can’t say that I was ever very physically attracted to her. For about the last six years I can’t feel anything when she touches me in a sexual way. But I care deeply for her. We have going on fourteen years together. I feel like if I broke up with her it would crush us both. At the same time I am very unhappy. Neither one of us is getting any younger either.

I haven’t enjoyed sex with her or anyone else for years. Even before I met her I didn’t have much of a love life. In fact I can honestly say that I never really had a love life. A hand full of short lived girlfriend relationships but I never really dated. I never gained any confidence that way. The stupid thing is that now I am confident. I’ve come to realize that I’m not un attractive, I’m a sweet guy, I make good money. I get lots of attention from girls. This is one of the things that have caused me to become profoundly depressed. I feel like my love life ended before it ever started, and I’m sentenced to spend the rest of my life in a romantic vacuum.

I’m finding myself in situations where I’m very attracted to some of the girls I meet. At work for instance. I work on a government ship and there are attractive single women around. I think what I really want is to be in love again. Have some romance in my life again. And be in charge of my own life again.

Honesty has become a big problem. She needs lots of reassurance like any woman dose and I do reassure her. But It’s a lie. She senses that something has changed and she has become so insecure that she doesn’t want me to even go out with the crew when I’m in port. I end up lying about where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing. The biggest lie is that I’m still happy being married to her. And that I’m still attracted to her. It’s like the lie is growing and growing like snow on the roof. Some day the roofs going to cave in and she’s going to be crushed.

I don’t feel guilty about being attracted to other women but I do feel profoundly guilty for this growing lie. And for what some day I feel is the inevitable end result. I feel so bad for her that at times I steel myself and resolve to just stay the course and just give up on the idea of ever being happy again.

The other thing that I’m sure is inevitable is that I will end up in bed with someone. I know that I would be powerless to say no to a convenient offer from an attractive woman.

SIX MONTHS LATER.

Well, it happened. I was totally picked up in a bar. Nice attractive lady. She put a smile on my face that lasted *** well I still smile about it when I think about it. I don’t feel guilty at all. If anything I feel nourished and a little less depressed. I would feel very bad though if my wife found out about it. It would hurt her badly. I have no inclination to ever tell her. Even if our marriage dose end.

Also I have been having feelings for one of the girls on the ship for some time now. I didn’t intend to do anything about it. Then one night while we were all out having drinks something happened. After everyone had left I was still there and so was she. She came to me to say good by for the night and gave me a hug. Well it turned into more than just a friendly hug. We didn’t kiss or anything but our fingers entwined and the hug was not just a friendly one. It was pretty intense and it became very apparent that she was having some feelings as well. A few days later we talked about it. I told her that my life was a way to screwed up mess and that I had to much respect for her to get her involved but that I would like to keep in touch by e-mail. In her e-mails she decided that she didn’t want to be a factor in my relationship with my wife at all and we decided to cut it off. This is the first time I have had feelings like this for someone for a long long long time.

The next day after my talk with her I went home. The first night home my wife and I were getting drunk as usual. She started bugging me about whether I was still attracted to her. She wouldn’t drop it and eventually I broke down and started to tear up. It became obvious that I was hiding my true feelings. I spilled my guts. I told her that I haven’t been attracted to her for a few years and that I didn’t want to make love with her. I told her that I had been thinking about divorcing her for several years. She was devastated. She cried for days and still dose from time to time. I caved in and said we would try to work things out.

I was transferred to Seattle to work on a ship that was in the shipyard for retrofit. It would be there for a couple of years. We decided to give it another try. I would be coming home every night for the whole time that the ship is in the yard. We would try to stop drinking and work on some of the other problems.

7 MONTHS LATER

The drinking has gotten worse. She has been drinking almost every day and so have I. She has been treating me a little better though. We have not had sex yet. I have not wanted to. I don’t seem to be able to get past this part of it. I think I am afraid that it would be strange. It’s hard to imagine haw I could feel good about it.

So now I’m sitting here thinking about things. I want to end my marriage but I don’t know haw. I’m also afraid. It will be very painful for both of us. Of course I am more worried about her than me, but I know it will hurt me as well. I don’t know if I can even do it. Not that I would do anything like it but I can understand why someone would go out for a pack of smokes and just never come back. Maybe the best thing is if she found out that I have cheated on her. That way she could be angry at me and she would hate me. It might be less painful for her. I don’t know.

Well it’s been several months and I don’t feel any different about our marriage. I think in fact that what ever was left of the real me is slowly dying. I feel like I am loosing myself completely, my dreams, my expectations, and my self esteem. I hardly ever even feel interested in sex at all. I think I am just giving up. The only thing I have left is my work. I’ve been drinking every night for it seems like over a year. I can’t seem to get through a night without it. I’d say that I am extremely depressed but I don’t seem to feel much of anything anymore.

We have had several blowouts and come close to ending it. I always seem get this rush of empathy and I just cant do it. It seems like such a shock. I can’t get past the feelings of guilt and sadness. On one hand I can’t imagine how things can continue like this, and then on the other hand I can’t imagine myself causing her so much hurt and pain. I also worry about what will happen to her if I leave. As things are now I almost totally support her. In almost every way. Accept as a husband that is.

I can’t help but doubt myself. Is this just the mid life crises that people talk about? Will I feel different in a few years? Drinking is becoming a big problem. At this point I think I am in serious jeopardy of becoming am alcoholic myself. If it’s not to late already that is.

I am still on the fence. I keep going back and forth about whether I want to continue trying to make our marriage work or end it. Some days I feel optimistic and other days it hits me that I want out.

Posted on 29 October 2007 @ 16:30 (London time) - permalink
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lovelygirl, posted over a year ago

Get counselling about the alcolhol problem first if possible as it is ruining both your lives

Posted on 17 November 2007 @ 2:13 (London time) - permalink
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BOB398, posted over a year ago

I've been working on that for 13 of the 14 years of our marriage. She has yet to even fully admit that she has a problem. I truly believe that I was and am still the wrong person to help her. Also she has always been dead set against counseling of any kind. I eventually turned to drinking as a way to get along with her and cope with the situation. If this sounds ridicules to you it dose to me as well (in retrospect). I have also been trying to get her to go to a marriage consoler with me. Same result. This last weekend I even made it an ultimatum (go to counseling with me or we get a divorce). She managed to wiggle her way out of it and is being as sweet and good as she can. I think at this point if I could walk away and know that she would be all right I would just do it. I am really struggling with what will happen to her if I leave I think.She is virtually dysfunctional at this point. Sometimes it seems like I married a person with a terminal disease. I want out but it dosent feel right. It feels like I would be leaving her to a horrible fate.

Posted on 19 November 2007 @ 16:22 (London time) - permalink
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carebear, posted over a year ago

Bob

why don't you concentrate on fixing yourself fist.I know that sounds selfish, but at the end of the day you did marry someone with a terminal illness and now you are choosing to join her.

I do not mean to be harsh but what if she dies anyway you will not cannot stop her drinking she needs to do that herself and you have become her enabler.There is great advice on the site for folk who live with alcholics and believe me the storys are heartbreaking but you need to get tough of you will just become like her "if you can't beat them join them"

Posted on 20 November 2007 @ 21:50 (London time) - permalink
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BOB398, posted over a year ago

Thank you

As a matter of fact I have been reading some web pages on alcoholism and have had an epiphany, actually they scared the sh#@ out of me. The point is I have realized that “I NEED TO START THINKING OF MYSELF”. I have decided to stop drinking. At least for a good long time. Then if I’m still married I will not drink at home at all. I don’t know why this didn’t come home to me until now. All I can think of is that I was so focused on the problems at home that I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. Or I suppose it’s possible that the alcohol has actually clouded my judgment to that degree. I hope not. I feel pretty stupid right now.

If anyone knows of any good pages that I could read to help me keep my resolve going please post them.

Posted on 21 November 2007 @ 0:16 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

You are an alcoholic...so don't do that...I won't drink at home. You need to stay clear of places and people that will tempt you to indulge in your addictive behaviours.

It is running and ruining your life. Sucky because at one point in your life, you wanted to be a loving and amazing Husband and a loving and amazing Dad.

Now your addiction to alcohol stands to destroy this once righteous and rewarding life choice.

Reading is a nice way to pass time.

But you will need to join Addictions Recovery Program near you.

Commit to recovery.

Posted on 22 November 2007 @ 4:45 (London time) - permalink
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oh dear, posted over a year ago

Hi, ask yourself what am I getting from this relationship.You say you are unhappy your'e wife is clearly unhappy. It is much easier to stay than it is to leave, if you stay you can blame your wife for your misery, if you go and things arent great the only person you have to blame is yourself. Of course it will be painful if you leave but that is what we feel when things end or we leave people we have invested alot of time in it is normal. You are not an alcoholic its a symptom of your situation, however your wife is feeling shit about herself and you are allowing her to make you feel terrible Hoping she finds about your cheating is cowardly she probably already knows anyway. If you woke up tommorow and everything was great what would be happening in your life - go get that, people break up people recover and people cry thats life Now go and get one

Posted on 22 November 2007 @ 12:57 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

All I have to say is...you knew for 14 years the state of your wife's emotional and mental well being and did nothing. No counselling, no support, no addictions recovery program.

Reading through you novel it is apparent that you both were attracted to one another as you both enable the other in addictive behaviours.

I agree that excessive drinking and extra marital affairs and imaginings are symptoms of what is going on in both of you.

You loved your wife once but it seems that you BOTH let the love fade to nothing. Since this fading-you haven't made a decision to seek any sort of help but rather just used attraction and sexual energy to feed your empty need while you wife used alcohol to feed hers. It's both the same-not healthy, not good.

Dude, you put yourself in situations where you will have an affair.

You can do the whole woe is me but it was a choice. You had the power all along to seek help, do some damage repair inside of you and your marriage, or run away, avoid, and seek out extra marital affairs.

You have done well as showing us the downward spiral of convincing yourself it is okay to break marital vows because wife betrayed you by drinking.

You can blame it all on her but the truth is, you still choose.

I think making a commitment to be an honorable man of integrity would be a good start.

You hung unto this marriage for 14 years and some of it may be you don't think anyone else will want you but some of it is for the sake of marriage, and being true to who you were years ago when you fell in love with your wife. There was so much promise.

I still suggest both you and wife go to an addictions recovery program and do some individual counselling and then decide if marriage counselling is the next step.

I'm glad to hear wife is doing her best to try to sort through her personal hell on her own so she can be that loving, supportive wife you wanted and deserve. She can't do it alone. And all of your writings indicate she is alone. You failed her for 14 years too if you want to play the blame game.

Posted on 22 November 2007 @ 19:59 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I adored this read.

Please take the time to read both links.

Time to ask some serious questions about what you want in life, what are your expectations, what are you doing to fulfill your life goals.

http://www.foreverfamilies.net/xml/articles/immunized_infidelity.aspx

http://providentliving.org/content/list/0,11664,4177-1,00.html

Please click on PDF link.

http://providentliving.org/content/list/0,11664,6629-1,00.html

Most cities have local groups and programs that are free as well as most religious institutions have their own program that is centred on their spiritual beliefs and practices.

Posted on 22 November 2007 @ 20:39 (London time) - permalink
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BOB398, posted over a year ago

To Fade 878

Thanks for your post. My aim in posting this was to get other perspectives. Good or bad it helps to try other lines of thought.

Let see I’ll start were it seems that you are right. Yes I put myself in the situation that led to an extramarital encounter almost two years ago. Since then I have not felt a need to seek out that kind of a solution to my pain. I came to the realization that this kind of behavior was about me finding myself again and feeling somewhat in control of my life again. It was nice and it did boost my self esteem a bit but it is not a solution to my situation at all. It did help me to learn a few things about myself though. The most important being that I don’t want to be a sleaze. And that if I do find myself single again I need to spend some time working on myself, learning how to be in regards to relationships with the opposite sex. How to not repeat the same mistakes.

I agree I should seek out help for my addiction. If I have one. If I do I fully intend to take it seriously. I am going to an AL-ANON meeting. Also note that it has been only the last two years that I have been drinking on a regular basis. My wife on the other hand has been drinking daily as long as I have known her. In spite of my pleading with her and trying everything I could think of for the last 14 years she still dose not even openly admit to having a problem. Also she flat refuses to go to any kind of counseling including marriage counsoling. I have seen a therapist about my marriage. We moved and I am considering looking for another one.

I think that’s about it. Now for the parts that seem to be you injecting your own pre judgment. I never had any children. She never wanted any. I did for the first half of our marriage try with all my being and a fully committed mind and heart to be the best husband that I could. As to “damage repair”, it feels like that has been all I have been doing from the start. It is possible that this is where I started to loose myself. And fell into the role of an enabler. What I didn’t know at the time is that the other half of a relationship is getting what I needed as well. I thought that if I loved her enough everything should work out and she would give me what I needed. This is one of the mistakes I won’t make in the future.

It is her that I fear will not find love or happiness again. This is one of the parts that is tearing me up the most and making it so difficult for me to move on. As for me I have total confidence that I will be fine if I leave.

I don’t blame it all on her. For my part the first thing I did wrong was to be such a nice guy. I should have been more demanding. More insistent that she do something about her drinking problem. I spent most of the time with her working hard to keep her happy and in a good mood. Most of the time I was unwilling to go through the raging turmoil that may have helped her to come to grips with her addiction. Instead I continued to drink with her on occasion. I should have been willing to refrain from drinking at all. I hid my feeling from her most of the time. In this I was very deceptive. In this I lost all control of the relationship and myself. I eventually lost the desire or the strength to try to retrieve this marriage.

Choices. I made a very poor choice when I married her. I was not ready to start that part of my life. I have consistently chosen to avoid conflict in our relationship. If I had been stronger all along this marriage would probably have ended appropriately a long time ago. Or maybe it would have survived and gotten better. No way to know at this point.

Posted on 25 November 2007 @ 17:21 (London time) - permalink
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BOB398, posted over a year ago

Oops I missed the end of my post when I pasted it.

Last but not least. My wife is not and never has been willing to sort through her real problems. She has never wanted to seek out any help from anyone. And has as of late been doing nothing to foster any friendships or social connections. Its more like she’s on a downward spiral and I’m still hanging on because I feel responsible. I feel that if I let go she will crash so hard that she will never get up again. This is were the real pain and guilt lies for me in all this.

If you want to get some insight to men and in particular men like me this link is very interesting. http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/ngs.php

Posted on 25 November 2007 @ 17:28 (London time) - permalink
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carebear, posted over a year ago

Bob

My partner and I split after 18 yrs, he is an alcholic I never ever drink.I caught him cheating with a barmaid lol that was it for me, as like you I oput everything into us and was getting nothing in return.

When he moved into another house I worried that he would drink himself to death, so I would check he was ok (still enabler) he lost his job drnak litre bottles of vodka daily for up to a week at a time I honestly don't know how he's still walking about. Anyway point is he still doing it living with someone else that does drink with him.

You cannot keep putting your wife before yourself cause she won't do that for you, maybe if you left she might see sence. Also you are an alcholic too in your previous post you stated you drink most days to blot out the pain.Only you can decide what you want and only for you your wife will need to face her own demons.I get the feeling your just pussyfooting around these issues hoping that someone will give you a miricle cure, sorry it don't happen that way, we all need to clean up our own mess. Again wish you well.

Posted on 25 November 2007 @ 21:40 (London time) - permalink
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BOB398, posted over a year ago

Hi Carebear

It seems you can relate to my situation. Accept for a glass of wine with Thanks Giving dinner I have not drank for about a week. At this point I have no desire to, and I don’t miss it at all. I have never been one of those people that gets really drunk, I hate that. With me its been a few drinks on a regular basis.

Last night I was going to tell my wife that I was going to go to the AL-ANON meeting at 7:00. I chickened out. I know she would feel or at least act like it was a personal attack on her and make her feel threatened. I feel like such a wimp. I think I am starting to see how much in denial I am, and how entrenched in the role of the enabler I am. I am actually afraid of her. Also I think part of me is afraid she will start to work harder to keep me. She may even try to stop drinking with me. This would be good for her of course but I think deep down I have already left. I feel like that would just be a continuation of my hell. Looking back it is easy to see how badly I have handled my relationship with her. I am only now starting to come out of the fog and try to do the things I should have been doing all along. But I am doing them for myself. and to me it seems way to late. I don’t have the strength or will to continue. I just want out while I still have time to start over. These thoughts make me feel like such an asshole. Maybe this is getting to the heart of the matter. On one hand I am thinking of myself and what I want and need. And then I am anguished about what this means for her. I could start to be the husband I should have been all along. And it’s possible that she will get better. What I really want to do is to take what I’ve learned and move on.

Posted on 27 November 2007 @ 16:49 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

BY any chance you Mom or Dad or possibly both parents were an alcoholic or abusive? Be it negelctful, highly critical, indifferent?

A normal, healthy man would find such a mate as your wife repellant.

So counselling and AL Non is still a good thing.

Glad to hear you are trying to change behaviours that effect your decision making process.

Posted on 27 November 2007 @ 17:11 (London time) - permalink
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BOB398, posted over a year ago

Hi Fade 878

I was razed by a single mom. There was virtually no drinking at all during my upbringing. Frankly I never took much of an interest in it until I got married.

I was the middle kid. My mother was very dependant on me for emotional support. She never remarried. And yes I realized at some point that this was wrong and it probably is part of what is driving my feelings of guilt about wanting to leave my wife. I eventually ended up taking a job out of state to get my mom to leave me alone. She kept loosing her living situation and needing to move in with me (just to get back on her feet of course). She kept putting herself in situations that left her dependant on me. Hmmm sounds interestingly familiar. Actually this is a pattern that has haunted me all my life I think. All my relationships with woman have been indicative of this pattern. I am aware of this and it is one of the reasons that I want to start over. If I do get that chance I plan to spend some time working on myself and challenging myself to break these old habits. As I stated in my first post “I am confident now”. It may be this confidence that seems to be attracting so much attention from other women. This seems to be compounding my confidence. I don’t act on any of this attention beyond an occasional flirt though. At this point I don’t want to complicate things any more and I’d rather not inject any outside influence that could adversely affect my judgment. Also I find it hard to see how it could be fair to the other person. It’s not right all around. My advice to any woman that is considering getting involved with a married man is “unless you’re just looking for a quick bang don’t. He is either being a very selfish asshole, or he is in desperate need and cant yet see what he is really doing. Either way it will be a one in a million shot if it ever turns into a rewording relationship”. I know I did cheat on my wife once but I like to think I did it at a time when I was very week, hurting, and confused. Although I still am I learned from it.

Posted on 27 November 2007 @ 20:14 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

So your guilt over leaving Mom...her emotional incest...has created the pattern for you to feel obligated to your wife.

There must have been red flags the whole time you were dating your wife and yet you still made the decision. Sucky.

You made the choice to seek out such women...it is not all them; I believe it is called contributory negligence...in that 85% of the blame or fault or causations lies with you.

Counselling is the ONLY way you will overcome this pattern and way of thinking. One to three years is the 'norm'.

If you mean business and you truly want a healthy adult relationship one day- heal yourself FIRST.

Posted on 27 November 2007 @ 21:31 (London time) - permalink
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BOB398, posted over a year ago

Guilt, learned behavior, call it what you want but ya I’m sure that is a contributing factor in why I married her, and why I’m having such a hard time moving on. I think that the difference with my wife is that we were good friends for several years before it got romantic. I think what ever defenses I had were down. And no I didn’t know that she was a problem drinker. We didn’t spend every day together before we were married. It was very different than other relationships that I had before. Also at the time I was not quite as aware of my predisposition. I guess that makes me twice as blind or twice as stupid then.

It’s pretty obvious that people make mistakes and frequently the same mistakes over and over. 85% that’s fine. Somebody sure screwed up, might as well be me. It doesn’t make me feel different either way.

Your Idea that every thing a person dose is conscious and premeditated is a little narrow don’t you think. It would indicate that we are born mature intelligent and well adjusted and nothing can happen to change that. That there is no learning or healing process needed. Yes I suppose we make decisions and act on them but those decisions will be made based on a number of factors. The circumstances at the time, the experience and information we have at the time, our emotional state at the time, and our intended goal. A paragraph could be written on each of these and each of these leaves a lot of room for mistakes to be made. Let alone all these things acting at the same time. That’s why we have internet sights like this.

Counseling? I’m open to that. As to 3 years. Maybe but I think that the last 14 must have had some affect. If that’s not true I suppose I would be happy to stay with my wife and let her finish sucking me dry.

Posted on 28 November 2007 @ 0:29 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Subconcious and learnt behaviours. It's not about full blame; but full awareness.

You have to own up for a true change of heart.

AA will help you with this.

Posted on 29 November 2007 @ 5:16 (London time) - permalink
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