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Dear Cupid > Forums > Sex talk > Any advice may help

Any advice may help

BramStoker, posted over a year ago

I am just about to celebrate my 1 year anniversary with my wife. She is my best friend, and we were engage for 4 years before we married, but we didn't live together until we the day after our honeymoon.

Since we have moved in together, we have discovered lots of things about each other, good and bad, but that is the way relationships grow.

The trouble is, she is very stuck in her ways, and got her own way all the time (according to her parents) when she was living at home. They never pressured her to talk about anything, and so she has grown up keeping all her imotions to herself. We have not had any sort of sexual relationship since the night of our honeymoon, that wasn't earthmoving as she was drunk and fell asleep half way through. Now I am a very patient person, and I understand that everyone has imotional problems, but my wife will not talk to me about them, and even when I manage to get her on the subject, she turns it into a row.

She hardly every kisses me, and when we are in bed, I am occasionally allowed to cuddle for about 10 seconds, and then she turns away from me and moves towards the other side of the bed. Before we were married, when we were first together we had sex all the time, then as time went by it slowed down a little (I just thought it was our age (she is 25 I am 32) but now it has stopped and she says that she doesn't ever want to have sex again.!!! I have been as understanding as I can, asking how we can go through life without intercourse especially if we want children(as we have discussed in the past) and she has now told me that she doesn't want children or at least not for 10 years or so.

I am amaized, she has never said anything like this before, she works with Children and I always thought she was dying to have one herself.

Sex wise, we don't even touch each others bodies, occasionally she allows me to put my arm around her, but that is it. I have never forced myself on her, and I would never do that, I have however suggested that we see a Doctor or some other third party for adice and she point blank refuses, saying that she will never do that. I have told her, that it may be ok for her to decided if we have sex or if we have children, but I am part of the relationship too, and I should be involved in the decision making. I have also said that I have needs, I have always had a huge sex drive and I am not used to suddenly not having loving fulfilling sex with someone. I have never played away from home, and I would never do so, but it is causing me huge imotional problems. I have said that if she goes to a specialist and they say that there is nothing they can do for us, I will accept a life of celebacy, but she will not even consider asking anyone for help. I think I am repeating myself now, but I am very upset, especially when she told me tonight that she has never emjoyed sex and just used to prentend. She has gone out to talk to her friend, but I have no one except her, and I told her as she went out that she was leaving me in my hour of need....

Perhaps if someone has any advice for me or her, I can print it out for her to read.....

Thanks in advance...

Posted on 17 April 2006 @ 22:50 (London time) - permalink
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chachacha, posted over a year ago

Oh I'm so sorry you are alone tonight with no one to talk to.

You say you had sex before you were married (when you were not living together) but have not had sex since.

Moving in together is a big step (especially when combined with the commitment of marriage) and withholding sex is a form of passive-aggressive behaviour - she is telling you she is not happy.

Unfortunately, you seem to have married someone very immature in terms of understanding their own feelings. You won't be able to make her "grow up" overnight, I'm afraid - it's a long journey that she has to start on, and she has to do it by herself.

She may have had a "rosy view" of marriage - not knowing that relationships are hard - you seem to have grasped this (and you quite a bit older than her).

She needs to see a good therapist to talk to - not her 25 year old friends.

And you both need to talk. You need to ask her whether she is planning to give up on the marriage and go back to her parents, or whether you are going to start talking.

Don't push the sex at all at the moment - it is intimate for a woman (more intimate than for men) and that will just make her retreat.

Let her know you love her, and want to understand her better, and listen to her - don't be afraid of silences.

Also, you need to get someone to talk to yourself - the fact that you have no friends to call is a problem for you - your wife cannot be everything to you.

Good luck, and remember always to be honest with both yourself and your wife.

Posted on 18 April 2006 @ 1:4 (London time) - permalink
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bramstoker2, posted over a year ago

(I lost my old email address, so set up a new ID)

Thanks for the very good advice, sadly we are now nearly three months down the line, and it's not getting any better,(I think it is getting worse) she continues to refuses to talk about any of our problems, sexual or communication wise, and the only way I can get her to actually acknowledge there are problems is during an argument (Which is not the best of times to talk rationally). Even then we get nowhere as

she is not willing to meet me half way on anything, and keeps insisting she will only deal with the problems when it suits her, and not when anyone else is telling her too. So I tried to not mention it for a few weeks, in order to allow her to bring it up, and that didn't work. So because I always have to bring it up, she won't talk, because it wasn't her idea originally. I am not a psychologist, but this seems to come from when she lived at home. Her parents are lovely people, but they did rather try and run her life for her, so she rebelled but still seems to be doing it with me.

I am feeling rather stuck, I don't want to break up with her as I love her more than life, but it is making me very depressed and dare I say as a chap, tearfull because she is so closed, I can't tell what she is feeling. Sometimes she is so happy and will talk and talk about stuff,holidays together, getting pets, all sorts of stuff, and other times, I can't even talk to her without her telling me to shut up, or that she is board with what I am trying to say. I know that I can be a little bit over the top with stuff, and I get very exited easily (This comes down to the fact that in general I love life) and I enjoy peoples company, and having conversations, but she only talks when she deems it appropriate, conversation is not something that she does with me, unless she is drunk (Then you can't stop her).

I have said that we (either together or separately to begin with) need to go to a therapist, but she will not have it "therapist do not work" is what she authoritively exclaimed!

I have also said that she is not showing me any reason to believe that she wants to be with me, and that she actually cares, except the occasional peck on the lips (Usually when one of us goes out) I think this may of hurt her, and not that I wanted that, at least it means that there is something there...

I have since last posting, spoke to my good friends and collegues at work. (Not about the sexual side of things, just the non communication stuff) they have all been very helpful, as they too are married and have simular problems now and again. But they all come to the same conclusion, that without closier, we will get nowhere.

I understand that I am not at fault, and I know I have some very anoying habbits, I tend to wash my hands too much (even more when I am uptight) and also, I can't always hear what she is saying (which anoys her aswell, when I have to ask her to repeat it), and I have a short temper (I am a pacifist and do not believe in violence, but I do shout if I am anoyed, but I'm usually calm within minutes, whereas she sulks for days)but I do feel that she is playing on these too much, and is claiming that these are the problems that are causing her behaviour.

I apparently get under her feet alot too, which I find odd as she is out most of the time (Either at work or with her friends, which I have no problem with, whereas her former partner before me, forbid her to go out with anyone)she has told me on more than one occasion, that I am not normal, because I don't go down the pub like other husbands do, and I spend too much time at home. To be truthfull, I do enjoy time at home, as I love tending my garden, and I am a great TV?Film buff, but I also go out alot to the cinema, and I am a singer in a rock band, which gets me out and about. So I find it quite offensive when she tells me to go out, or get out of our bedroom, because she is busy.

I also do the main housework, she does her share, but I do the bulk of the cleaning and cooking, so I can't see the problem....

Anyway, thanks for listening, (or reading) I can't see any light from where I am, still no sexual contact (12 months now) and it was our wedding anniversary last month, I wined her, dined her and took her on holiday, nothing, not even a proper kiss.....

Posted on 2 July 2006 @ 15:6 (London time) - permalink
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bramstoker2, posted over a year ago

Please note a typo...

I understand that I am not at fault, and I know I have some very anoying habbits

should have said

I understand that I am not completely without fault, and I know I have some very anoying habbits

Posted on 2 July 2006 @ 15:10 (London time) - permalink
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Wendyg, posted over a year ago

Hi,

I feel sad for you that she will not allow you into her world. its really tough when something like that happens and i do really feel for you. You have been very patient, and understanding but there is clearly something going on in her head. I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the ex partner... I think this all has a lot to do with that somehow... Until you can get to the bottom of that you are going to remain stuck.. If she refuses to go to a counsellor then maybe you go alone to begin and see if you cant make a bit of headway... at least you will have some insight knowledge of how to deal with her. Maybe after you have done this, approach her and let her know that youve been to a counsellor to try and and understand her, and that you now feel the time is right for her to come along too... I appreciate that in itself is going to be hard. But maybe its something you need to try just to at least get your head straight. Lets take the sex out of the frame... not that its happening between you two, but ignore that. Lets look at the closeness things.... Thats not even there.. Was it before ? Why has that suddenly clammed up ? Before you can have a sex life, you need to get your closeness back, and the communication, and thats the part that needs to be worked on first.. i fear that something happend to her previously and thats why she suddenly turned it all off.. shes scared of something thats why whenever you talk to her there is a row, rather than face what the fear is shes hiding it by blaming you... You need to bridge the barrier and try and find out what it is thats holding her back, i do think this stems from the ex, and unfortunately is only coming out now. Perhaps he was very mean to her and has scared her and she cant see a way back at the moment. I know you are giving her your support but you have somehow got to make her see that you cant do this on your own and that you need her to be open with you, tell her how much you love her and really want things to work out... I think you have to come outright and ask what the hell is up... i know tougher that it sounds.. but what other option do you have ? You are prepared to listen shes got to be prepared to talk... Go along to counsellor alone and see if you can get some tips on how to approach her.. then you are going to have to force the issue theres no two ways about it... unless you can resolve these issues hun you are both going to be very unhappy a long way down the line, leave it too long and it will turn to resentment. You gotta meet it head on, i dont know how best to do that, but shes gotta communicate with you give you some respect back.

I hope you can work things out, I know it will be tough but somethings got to give somewhere! Before you both become very very unhappy. Do whats best for you.. Love is a two way thing, and you cant love and care for her without it being recipricated, it doesnt work like that... you gotta get through the barrier!

Take care

Good Luck xx

Posted on 3 July 2006 @ 10:40 (London time) - permalink
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cuninglingwist, posted over a year ago

either Make plans and get out ASAP.or throw her ass out the door!before she realy screws up your head!

this women has been spoiled rotten by her parents, its all about her, nothing you do will ever be enough.

Any female (newly wed)that refuses sex for the first 12months or touching or refuses to go for counciling is cheating! whats she going to tell the councilor (im cheating)I dont think so! and thats the real reason she dosent want to go,thats why she says they dont work!

I think she is afraid that if you have sex with her you might find someone ells,es deposit!she gets enough sex she dosent need it from you!always going out with her friend, going to the pub by herself meeting friends Yea!ok

hears a clew! if she puts clean pantys on before going out,check the color and style, then check them out when she comes home after she takes them off (and puts clean ones on to go to bed,) ill bet the ones she took off are soaked with a man load in the crotch!sorry for being harsh, but you need to wake up! either that your a massacist.and she knows it!

Posted on 6 September 2007 @ 4:31 (London time) - permalink
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dog2009, posted over a year ago

it a yea since your post and i tought i should still respond. the issue is i hope you have left this woman. when i read your story it looks exactly like mine in everything. the bust ups, no sex, you should go out, you do more housework, she does not appreciate you, she refuses to see a counsellor, b4 marriage se was good and you did not live together until marriage. at the end of the day, i discovered she was cheating from the time we got married. i have never understood why she married me. she is the one who wanted marriage as soon as possible - the ime was right us. so if yu have no left this marriage be sure nothing will improve. i left mine and now i am vry happy ith some one.life is too short for you to waste it like this.

Posted on 11 January 2009 @ 8:9 (London time) - permalink
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