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Dear Cupid > Forums > Cupid's Lounge > to brighten your day

to brighten your day

, posted over a year ago

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN..these are priceless

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening

when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.

She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock,

I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,

'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher

a note from his mother... The note read, 'The opinions expressed

by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old

daughter to answer the phone 'Mommy can't come to the phone

to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the

women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst

into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter,

haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school,

I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'

'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.

'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police..

Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her.

'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me,

'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front

of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake,

was barking, and I saw a little boy st aring in at me.

'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.

'It sure is,' I replied...

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.

Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'

'And why not, darling?'

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED.

Posted on 9 March 2010 @ 14:12 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

LOVED IT MAL!

what a grrrrrrrrrrrrrrt post!

LMBO

Posted on 9 March 2010 @ 17:33 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .

'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .

' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT . 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY

'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS . 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .. 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA . 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER . 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY . 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE . 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY . 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION . 'Just wait until we get home.'

17... My mother taught me about RECEIVING . 'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE . 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .

'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .

'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up...'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS . 'Shut that door behind you.. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .

'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE

'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

Posted on 10 March 2010 @ 20:26 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At a brothel in Winnipeg, the Madam opened the door and saw a rather

dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early

fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would

prefer someone else", said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie...."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a

visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave

it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see

Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row

as she was too expensive."There are no discounts. The price is still

$5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went

upstairs.

After an hour, he left...

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night,

but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been

with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " New Brunswick ....."

"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick .."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She

asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance. "

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

Posted on 12 March 2010 @ 23:3 (London time) - permalink
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Illithid, posted over a year ago

That reminds me of an old classic

_________________________________

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Posted on 13 March 2010 @ 2:0 (London time) - permalink
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