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Dear Cupid > Forums > Couples > My problem - Hall sex ?

My problem - Hall sex ?

Dave99, posted over a year ago

You probably know the 3 types of sex in marriage

Everywhere sex, Bedroom sex and Hall sex where :

At the start of marriage "Everywhere sex" is where you have sex everywhere, this degenerates to

Bedroom sex where you have sex in the bedroom only

and this degenerates further into Hall sex

where you pass each other in the hall and say "F*ck you!"

My situation is this

1 Wife got fired a few yrs ago. My wife went into severe depression -still there. Got medication but came off it early. Will not go to councling with me.

She says she has forgiven the people that fired her.

2 We (her mother was staying with us) had a arguement (on an irrelevant subject). Her mother left. I declined to get involved (to find where she had gone although I had a pretty good idea). She has never forgiven me.

3. Says she will never never have sex with me again

4. Hopes I die before I come home from work.

5 She drinks at least 1/2 a bottle of wine a day.

6 Will not let me hug her.

7 Will not talk to me.

8 If I accidently touch her in bed she pulls away to other side.

9 I have never forced myself on her sexually.

10 Body language is totally anti me.

11 Does not acknowledge our wedding anniversary from last 5 years. Does not open the presents I give her on the date.

12 Refers to (less than 6) events several years ago where I went out and did not come home within 1 hour when I said I would. (did not have a cell phone or beeper then).

13 Correspondence is now down to complaining - eg I do not do things on time, take too long to fix things - I am not made of money and never was - anyone can hire a expensive firm to fix things.

14 Now treating me like some 'handyman in house" but with no relationship and treating me as a "meal ticket". I pay mortgage, food, insurance gas, clothes, Her salary (nearly US$40,000.00) is spent on things for her personally, her savings, holidays for her and children - I always plenty for holidays.

15 Has alienated herself from all friends we had.

16 will not go to any party or function with me for last two years

It would be simple(?) to divorce but the assets and investments I have accumulated would be lost (they have not reached full maturity) and these are are what I have built up for our (2) children .

I do not want to divorce her I would really prefer to work things out.

Any suggestions?

At wits end.

Posted on 17 April 2006 @ 22:4 (London time) - permalink
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chachacha, posted over a year ago

Sadly, it takes two to work on a relationship, and it sounds like only you want to work on it.

However, it also sounds like she is severely depressed, and dealing with her relationship with you is part of it.

You need to decide whether to stick with the "in sickness and in health" vow you made. She needs to see a doctor and a psychologist - you should encourage her to go to the doctor and support her.

If she won't go, then there comes a point where there is nothing you can do - she has to live her own life after all and responsible for her own happiness.

And you are responsible for yours - at the right time, you will decide how long to wait.

Good luck

Posted on 18 April 2006 @ 1:10 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

You have a very unhappy wife, Dave, who is lashing out at you. I can only imagine the effects this must be having on your kids. It sounds like all attempts to help her, have failed. She needs medication and most importantly, counselling. Now is the time to look after your own needs and keep being the main strength and support for the kids. Being around someone who is depressed can be very wearing or draining. It's been a long time to handle this on your own to no avail so please get the relief, the breaks and support that you need. Ignoring your own feelings and needs are likely to making life worse and this is deterimental to your own health. Your wife is so depressed, she has very little to give to others. If she is being negative and continuing her downward spiral, then this is likely to increase her depression. You will benefit from spending time--apart, alone or separately with supportive friends/family. She's stuck-you are stuck-you both are at a stalemate. She needs time with a professional counsellor. Seek some advice from your GP or a family counselor, on how you should proceed. She needs to recover and heal. You don't have to divorce but I would consider...separating or getting away from the home more often to give you time to regroup and think. Depressed people's heads are filled with negative thoughts that generate more depression. It's a cycle she doesn't recognize. She needs help and you need to call in all the family support you can get to help you and the kids through this. Maybe somebody within the family (sister, aunt, brother) can talk her into getting that much needed counselling. But for goodness sake, if you genuinely feel caring, and you want to help her, then by all means do it. But don't "beat yourself up" if you do not feel sympathetic- being honest-begenuine and in touch with your real self because accepting your real feelings is helpful to your own well-being and health. The kids need you the most now. Keep it together for them. Good luck Dave...be strong.

Posted on 19 April 2006 @ 1:55 (London time) - permalink
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Dave99, posted over a year ago

Additional information.

My wife does not get on with her Mother.

My mother was not too helpful in our relationship over 8 years ago so they despise each other.

We are in a small town community (in which she feels isolated) and there is no councilling help in the vacinity.

I try not to say anything as this is deemed an attack on her (personally or abilities).

I do try and do as much as I can to help around the house.

I would, if she really wanted get a divorce if that was what was best but I would prefer to support her recovery from depression as I think it would be the best for our children.

I will 'suggest' she visit a friend who is in the medical profession who may be fairly well placed to help.

I appreciate all of your observatiions and comments, they are all valid and appropriate.

Any other sugestions?

I'll see what happens.

Posted on 20 April 2006 @ 20:55 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I feel so bad for you, not only is she going through the stress, but you are too with all the added responsibilties. I hope everything works out for you both.

My best wishes to you and your wife.

Posted on 20 April 2006 @ 23:29 (London time) - permalink
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