| amazing, posted
over a year ago
Hi there,
I hope that I can be of some assisstance?. I read your article and everytime I was reading your responses to his actions, I felt myself wanting to pull you away out of the situation you are in with this step-brother.
You are all a new family and you are just as much of a curiosity to him as he is to you and even more so because of the fact that you have both become related in some way (but not in a biological way) and so you are both exploring this new relationship as brother and sister that in reality, you are just two different families getting to know one another and the new rules and boundaries that follow with it.
It is good that nothing had progressed when it could so easily have done and you are courageous for standing back from his moves that he seems to think that you would be comfortable and at ease with him touching you. You had both made a mistake and realizing that what could have taken place, would indeed, have changed the nature of your friendship for good.
To be able to relate to one another as a brother and sister at the age I am pressumming that you are in your teens, is a very difficult thing when you have had no previous connection before this with oneanother, but the boundaries do need to be set if this is not going to ever happen again.
Something is telling you to stop this situation from progressing into an even worse one and quite rightly, I think that you should listen to what you are feeling inside and act upon what you feel by keeping some amount of distance with this family relation who you are still trying to relate to as a brother and he needs to show respect to you for this. Drunk or not drunk, is no excuse to try and sexualize the relationship that you both know isn't going to turn out good in the end and for reasons that concern the status of your relationship as half-relations.
If you have a good rapport with your step-mother or your father, I would strongly urge you if you are brave enough, to just have a quiet talk with one of them and explain what had happened and that you are confused about what you should do and need their advice. If they are supportive people who really care about you, they would not blame you and nor would they judge or critisize you. If anything, I would think that they would be glad that you have told one of them and help you to do something that wouldn't involve necessarily exposing the brother, but at least to talk to him to make sure that he understands the consequnces of his actions and that it is not acceptable for him to carry on with the ways things are.
You had stopped the situation from getting out of control and you are a very brave girl for this so whatever happened in the bedroom that night, was not your fault in any way. You were confused about a lot of things and quite naturally when you have been thrust into new life dynamics with a man who is your new brother, although not acting like one and so you felt the boundaries betwween him and you had gotten confused.
You had tried to initiate a disscussion with him about what happened but he seems to refuses to talk about and laughs instead and seems to want to carry on trying to make other advances with you that you know you don't want and isn't healthy when you don't want to go along with what he wants whether he is your brother or not. What you feel about it all and what Your needs are, is the most important issue here and his apology isn't acceptable if he is making excuses for what he had done and still wants to keep on doing. You must tell someone you can trust or are close to about this so that someone else is aware of it because if anything else occurrs then you have at least told someone else about it and who will back you up and support you.
It seems unlikely from what you say that he will stop now after trying it the first time and shows no signs of backing off and is apt for telling a few lies already. I would definitley take seriously not only the fact that he tried to lie about being drunk but also that he shows no signs of wanting to stop doing what he seems to think is okay to do to you. keeping your distance as much as possible for a while would be a move in the right direction on your part and in the meantime let someone know what has happened even if you feel that they will not beleive you because you cannot deal with this alone and secondly, if he were to ever try and do anything to encourage you again, would likely to lie about it to make sure he is not the one to get the blame.
I am pretty certain that he would be feeling some guilt about it, but you are not responsible for his actions and if he isn't going to learn from it and wants to do something similar again and you become vulnerable to his advances, then what you don't want now or in the future, will keep on happening and you will end up feeling too guilty and frightened to do anything about it because he has made you feel and do these things. No one has the right to force anyone into doing something they don't like or want and your body is your own (not the property of some one elses) remember this because it is very important that you know this and you are clearly a very intelligent young woman to know what feels wrong and what feels right and abusive of your trust.
If he approaches you again, try not be alone in his presence and remain seen by others at all times that he is around you because the last thing you would want is for him to make any advance with you again and no one would ever know and if someone ever did get to know or suspect something was going on, you might find yourself being blamed and he might very well tell all different kinds of stories to get you into trouble for what he in fact had done to you.
Please, I know this sounds frightening and potentially it is when it could esculate into something a lot more than it already is and I am only concerned for you and your wellbeing and you deserve to be treated as a sister should be and not as any other girl - he knows very well that you are not. He is old enough to know and understand that You are his half-sister, and although not biologically related, his sister nonetheless and he should act and behave in a way that is appropriate towards you as your brother.
If you cannot tell your parents, then you must tell someone outside of the family as soon as you possibly can because I don't think that this is a secret that should be kept between the two of you any longer, especially when he seems to be very interested in pursuing things further with you. You are in an unsafe situation and his laughing at it does not tell me that he is sorry for what has happened either and he will refuse to talk about it when what he thinks he has done is acceptable and it really is not. The boundaries have been croossed in a very big way and you need support around you. Sharing a flat or house with this brother is not a good idea either if you do not want anything else to happen again with him, you cannot take his word that he won't ever touch you again when he so far either finds it a joke or dismisses your feelings altogther.
Be very brave for yourself and please, let someone know about this and do not attempt to keep it a secret any longer. Do not have any more contact with him until you have talked to either your parents or someone else that knows. You cannot keep this to yourself when you are in a very dangerous situation with a guy who is out to jepordise your friendship - he needs to know that this is not okay behaviour with you and you have already let him know this but refuses to see it the way you do and why it is so important you tell someone else however embaressing it might feel. Somone who cares will not judge you anyway and support you as I said earlier, but keeping it to yourself and letting him into your trust is not going to change anything and indeed, will make the situation much worse.
You are brave for telling your story and what is going on inside of his head is not important, it is what he is doing that counts and what he does, is a strong indication of what is going on inside of his head if this makes any sense?. I really don't think that this is not going to happen again unless someone else does know about it and what he feels about it he doesn't seem to take it very seriously and what maybe a joke to him isn't a joke for you and for him, it will continue to be a joke and more serious unless you do something to ensure that he knows that it can never happen again.
I wish you so much luck and I am sure that once you have shared this with someone you know you will feel a lot better about it all and will put a stop to any more unwanted behaviours that will continue if nothing else is done about it. I am so sorry that you are going through this and things will change but only once you can tell somone else about it and as you have already said, you are not that kind of girl. Many girls aren't like that and it only takes a guy like this to make a girl feel bad about herself for what he has done wrong to her.
Posted on 21 August 2006 @ 17:9 (London time) - permalink
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