| Beachwalker, posted
over a year ago
Hello everybody. I'm new around here and I need some non judgemental advice from you. I've been married for 15 years and we have two children. Our sex life has never been fantastic. Even in the early days, my wife didn't have a huge sex drive and things haven't got much better as time went by. About ten years ago, she was diagnosed with depression. She takes medication daily and no one else knows about this, such is the normal front we present to the world at large.
Her going on medication was a great success for us all as she became a much calmer and more rational person afterwards. Our sex life improved a little initially but sliped back again gradually. She's always felt guilty about this and a side effect of her medication is a further reduction in her sex drive.
About 5 years ago, she had an emotional affair. She was texting this guy who she'd texted initially by accident (wrong number) and it started from there. It was a classic one. She changed her attitude towards me. Everything I did and said was wrong and she had no real time for me. I opened a text message that she received one afternoon while she was in the shower and all hell broke loose over the next few days. There were the initial denials etc. and the gradual full emergence of the truth. She never met him (I know this for certain) though he did ask to meet her. I'm presuming that they would have met up with each other in time and who knows after that. I sent him a nasty text and told him I never wanted to hear about him again and told him to get lost. (I used my wife's phone to do so). Probably not a smart move on my part and one that upset my wife greatly. She wanted to be able to be the one to tell him and finish with him.
She said that she'd never sought an emotional affair but that she'd felt unappreciated etc. by me (fair comment) and that he was interestd in her just for her. She said that she finished it all up but, with trust damaged majorly, I've always wondered if she hasn't another phone in her office at work which she continues to text him from.
Bit by bit, it became less of an issue for me but I've spent a lot of time lately on online forums like DearCupid, reading about emotional affairs, the damage caused by them etc. and, to be honest, that brought back a lot of my negative thoughts and feelings about the whole affair and probably, in hindsight, was a mistake for me to do so.
Over the last few weeks I've cut myself off emotionally from my wife. I blame some of this on what I've outlined here, but it's only part of the reason.
The other part of the story is the feelings I have for a work colleague. We're about the same age (mid forties), she's married with two kids also and is the rock of sense in our office. We've always been close (working together for ten years) and I flirt a lot with her. She flirts with me also but it's about 80/20% from my side. On work nights out, we usually sit near each other and enjoy each others company etc. To complicate matters slightly, I'm quite friendly with her husband and play golf with him a few times every year.
I've always had feelings towards her but, over the past year or so, I've started to wonder if I'm in love with her. I think I am. My feelings for her have been quite intense over the last few months. And I'm not sure that it's a sexual thing only. I love spending time with her and sometimes I just want to reach out and hold her hand. (And yes, I'd love to have sex with her but my feelings run much deeper than that). I've never felt like this about anyone before, including my wife. Never!
I never set out wanting to feel the way I do. At times, I'm ashamed of how I feel about my wife and my work colleague.
My wife is quite upset at my shutting her out and has asked for an explanation. I've told her that I don't want to talk about it. This has made things worse and she's concerned because I won't open up to her. She even asked me if I thought that she's been having an affair of some kind. I said I didn't but that I wasn't sure if I'd ever properly come to terms with or dealt with her emotional affair. She seemed to back off in the days after I said that to her.
I know that there is no future for my colleague and myself but deep down I know that I'm hoping against hope that we'll have some kind of a fling at some stage. And I know that by having such thoughts, that I've already cheated on my wife.
But after that, my thoughts are clouded in fantasy, embarrassment and confusion. I feel foolish at times but my feelings outweigh everything.
I really could do with a bit of advice......
Thanks.
Posted on 23 October 2009 @ 1:33 (London time) - permalink
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