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Dear Cupid > Forums > Couples > Underappreciated, undervalued, she treated her exes better than me

Underappreciated, undervalued, she treated her exes better than me

confoosed, posted over a year ago

Hi, I'm new to posting on this website, but i have come here for advice before dealing with my relationship. my girlfriend and i have been going out for almost 8 months now. things were amazing in the beginning. she would do anything to please me and we were completely smitten with each other. i spoiled her rotten, went out of my way to do things for her, and was always there for her when she was down. with her, while she is affectionate, spends all her time with me, and can be very loving, i feel as if there's no reciprocation on her end. i have spent an enormous amount of money and effort on her, im always the bigger person when we argue, attempting to fix things. she even acknowledges that i bring more to the table to this relationship than she does. worst of all, she's revealed some of the things she did for her exes in her past, stuff like spending money on them, making them stuff, doing stuff for them sexually that she wont do for me (said she grew out of it?)and this has me confused. she says im her first true love, and that she thot she was in love before but now she knows she truly in love.

i dont think ive ever gotten one material gift in the months weve been together. granted shes having financial issues, she still could've attempted to do something like make something for me thats very low cost, honestly id be happy with anything. the problem is im sure she truly does love me, i just dont know why she wont put in an effort to show me. ive talked to her about this and she says she understands where im coming from and that shed try harder to show me, but its been a little while now and i really havent seen much. it makes me upset knowing that she gave her best self to these other guys that she supposedly didnt care about as much as me. as for sexually, shes great, she pleases me, but when ive tried to talk to her about stuff that i would like for her to do, she refuses saying that its degrading. but shes done it in the past for other men shes been with, and she even use to do it for me in the beginning but she said shes changed. honestly this makes me feel like those guys were somehow better than me because she was willing to do it for them but not me. especially after the devotion and love ive shown for her.

i dont rlly know how to get things to change or what could possibly be going through her head.

Posted on 12 July 2009 @ 20:47 (London time) - permalink
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Honeypie, posted over a year ago

I'm sure you have heard the expression:

"You can not buy love". What she is doing right now is avoiding things she USED to do, and which she apperently felt backfired on her. She was doing stuff for and with them ( that she most likely didn't want to do) out of a need to please.

She has outgrown that. So many young women do all kind of stuff, they really don't want to do in order to "please" and "keep" their guy. Be glad she feels she can say no to you. She might later on want to explore things (sexually and otherwise) with you, if you two are still together, but I think it's fine that she is defining some boundaries. You will have to respect that, if.. you respect her.

The money/gift thing. Well, ok you want to give her a gift so she can give you one. ( at least that is how I read your post). Stop buying her stuff. ( the big expensive things) and show your love in other ways. Make a picnic, rub her feet.. you name it, it can be done cheap but with a lot of heart. Does she EXPECT all the gifts that you give? I doubt it. A single red rose or a big hug is plenty for most women. I am sure some guys are brought up being told that women WANTS/NEEDS material STUFF, I for one would rather have my hubby clean out the garage then get a necklace ( or whatever) THAT shows love to me.

STOP being so preoccupied by her ex's. They are in her PAST. If you keep dragging them up it's no longer a relationship with two people but a whole roomful.

A relationship is give and take. BUT you shouldn't keep score, because when you do, the only one who will feel cheated and unhappy is YOU.

Focus on the two of you in there HERE AND NOW. Go from there. Slow down on your expectations of her. You are building her up for failure. And in turn yourself too.

Posted on 13 July 2009 @ 19:28 (London time) - permalink
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