Can I or Should I Save My Marriage?

Black and Blue, posted over a year ago

I had an affair which I recently was caught (6 year affair). I am glad she knows because the stress and guilt was destroying me. In hindsight, facing the issues first is a MUCH better approach.

Regardless, here I'am, in love with two different women. My affair partner WAS married as well, till he found out. Now she is available to move forward, however here I am, stuck in limbo. I do these pro's/con's list to see which direction I should go, but my answers change daily.

My wife is a very successful person, thus with our joint income (and no kids) we are debt free and enjoy the benefits of that. She is all trusting (was) and low requirements so we came and went as we pleased. We went on trips together, did things together, but there was never really a spark. Even thinking back to when we met, no real spark. She was the 'it' girl that every guy wanted and she wanted ME. She dropped a bomb on my last week that she is willing to work on our marriage if I end the affiar. I thought we were done.

In the meantime, I'm still in the affair with this other amazing women. She is MUCH more of a free spirit. The spark, even after 6 years, is just as strong. Even outside the bedroom, I LOVE being around her. However, she has more emotional needs than my wife (affection needs) and she has no real job, thus my financial freedom drops. She even has crappy credit due to the divorce and her house being forclosed. That scares the crap out of me.

I know I'd be happy with my wife and leaving, I'd feel like a failure. When I think of the top reason I'm staying it's financial support. Teh second is because she loves me unconditionally. With my affair partner, things are much more heated. When I think of the top reason to pursue a life with her, I think of passion. Not just for sex, but for life, for doing things, stupid things don't care, just things with.

I have to make a decision tomorrow that will forever change my life. I have NO idea what to do.

Posted on 7 July 2008 @ 4:12 (London time) - permalink
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emilygreeneyes312, posted over a year ago

Hello, well... you need to ask yourself WHY you cheated. were you with the other woman b/c you are having so many problems with your wife that it came to that? if you are only wanting to repair the marriage b/c of finances, than don't make the mistake of staying in it! it will only do harm! make a pros in cons list... but either way you need to make a decision soon.

Posted on 20 May 2009 @ 10:29 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Before you can decide, you have to ask yourself if you were ever really in love with your wife, or if you got together with her because of other reasons.

In the end, real love is worth almost any sacrifice. But you have to be honest with yourself. You said you were 'in love' with two women, but in the same thread you said you've never felt a spark with your wife.

Are you even really sure what being in love means? Or feels like?

Posted on 24 May 2009 @ 14:28 (London time) - permalink
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redhead1978, posted over a year ago

First in foremost u do need to realize why u cheated.second love isnt about a spark or those butterfly feelings,those come and go.It sounds like your getting out of this woman what u are not getting from ur wife and u need to realize that not one person can be your everything.Have you heard of the 80/20 rule?Its when u go out find what u or missing and that person fills that void,but your other half fills the rest but when its all said and done and u leave ur wife u may realize that that 20% u are getting from the other woman isnt worth the 80 u get from your wife.and it also sounds like the other woman may have baggage from her divorce.try spicing things up with the wife.you guys are financially stable no kids maybe u should put the effort that you make in the other woman in your wife,its real love if she wants to work it out,but if you truly dont love her or know if you do then you should make a decision soon she sounds like a good woman.One last thing, if the other woman cheats on her husband with you what makes you think that when she is missing something with you that she wont find it elsewhere,same goes for you too.

Posted on 25 May 2009 @ 16:31 (London time) - permalink
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Honeypie, posted over a year ago

So to the OP.

You are considering staying with your wife bacause fiancially that is easier then living with a divorcee with no job and bad credit? (who's divorce you were partly to blame for)

Where is the love?

I have no idea why your wife wants to stay married to you. You have been keeping her "around" the last 6 years because it was benificial to YOU. You say there is no spark never was. WHY did you marry her then?

I think you are a really selfish person who have no clue.

But as for advice. I would advice you to sit down and decide once and for all who you want to be with then STICK to it. No having your cake ( wife) and eating it( mistress). One or the other. However do you think you will be able to remain faithful to your wife if you do stay with her? Do you think your mistress would stay faithful if you decided she was the one?

I agree with the 80/20 rule.

Posted on 27 May 2009 @ 14:57 (London time) - permalink
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