| , posted
over a year ago
Dear Guys,
Have read through the forums several times and to my dismay i realise how many cruel people are around us. Well just couldn't help it and i wanted to share this with you prior to my end so maybe nobody goes through what i went and we maybe learn from each others mistakes after all...and ..well yes i've donw a big load. Sorry for the length i hope you read through...
It all started about 5 years ago. I fancied this very nice ex colleague of mine and never had the guts to ask her out.... she smiled at me... i smiled at her... it was always reciprocal...felt great when i saw her and i was sure it was love at first sight.... Prior to realising that she was in a 4-relationship with someone else and that she was separated with 2 kids. I had chosen not to bother her life...she had however told me that the guy she was out with was violent...Having been also beaten up by her ex husband i just burst in tears and on top of all i forgot about my personal feelings for the person and thought that she might need help... So just in case she ever needed any help... i gave her my number nut never asked for hers.....Time passed by .... and some 4-5 months later i received a nice happy bday message from her.... Just couldn't believe it! She remembered me! And really made my day as i was passing through several bad patches at the time but didn't bother her with my problems....However was concerned for her and she told me that she wanted to break up with her partner as he never changed and was ever more violent.....I did not bother her at all.... She told me that she liked me loads but i never encouraged her to go out with me as it was not fair on the other guy ... maybe things could be fixed who knows? She still broke up ... but since it might have been an instant rebound i gave her time to see what she really wanted and started meeting her just as friends ... i mean real friends... no sex ... no kisses nothing ... just hugs...affection ... care... and support which i thought she really needed. She used to tell me that i am very special and yet i feel like rubbish now...She gave me the things i really had missed from my past relationship and hopefully she as well.... She had 2 nice kids ... a boy and a girl ... from her ex marriage .... whom i loved to death and would have done everything for them and for their happiness.... As i am single and i did not know what it takes to be a parent and i also did not know if i was the right person for her ... I also tried to see during this period of time how i would get along with being a parent.... It felt GREAT.... i must admit ... had to do loads of sacrifices ... but had one huge obstacle ... my family ... people who knew the previous girlfriend and the ex girlfriend herself who by the way was violent ... So for starters i could not be seen so much with the kids till i moved out of my parents' house not to upset anyone and keep all parties happy....I still used to be all the time with my ex new family ... her and the kids....we enjoyed each others' company... playing all the time together ....watching movies... going to nice places....and to her relatives ... as long as i avoided my family and aquaintances of the previous girlfriend....Well this thing did not go down so well with her and she felt very disturbed by the idea that i did not want to fight with everyone... But she could not understand that i could not hurt my parents with my attitude as we only have 1 mum and 1 dad in life.... Well after 6 months of seeing each other as friends .... she had asked me officially to be her boyfriend i gave it a go.... Enough time had passed ... never tried to rush her into anything.... Just gave her time....She deserves it after all.... However to my dismay ... in the mean time a colleague of hers was flirting with her ... he was separated ... had another 2 kids ... and was also available with his family loving her to bits.... Unknowingly of the matter, I had given up going to live abroad for her and the kids as i had thought it was my future....And it was here that after some 4 months together the tennis ball game started ..... she used to "feel confused" ... used to tell me its over and later in the day she would call me talling me that she doesn't know what she is doing and why she is doing so.... To my misfortune she made me feel like shit as you could imagine how much i loved her and how much she meant to me....But this game was freaking me out....Did not know what to believe either... I was confused....One fine day we had an argument our first argument and it was over according to her .... so she said....She had also told me that "just in case, she changed her mind, she would come and find me" and she also expected me to be awaiting her with my arms open .....I told her that if she was out of my life to go out with someone else ... i would have never accepted her back ... She was very angry at my reply and just left... Having seen that after all the effort i wasn't appreciated i moved on .... and that very night ... as i did not feel like wasting time ... i started socialising with new women ...This wasn't revenge mind you but at that point i had already stood up for a lot and i did not feel like wasting more time over her...I met this new person she was very nice with me ... single and no kids.... I thought she was very nice but i opted to be friends with her as i gone through a lot and i wanted to give myself time to get my broken heart back in one piece .... I was a true gentleman with all of my ex's and this new girl was no exception... However funnily enough ... there was no "magic" with this person .... The troublesome woman had by now owned my heart.... and there was nothing i could do about it ... she started calling me like crazy ... even when she was abroad .... kept on calling me ... asking me to get back with her .... she was too unwell .... and i could not understand a thing WHY ??? Why all this instability? I did not tell her i was seeing someone else as i did not want to hurt her unlike what she did.... She was very clear to me that she had slept with the other guy but she loved and wanted me cos it did not feel d same ..... i was different for her and yet she could not figure out why....As i did not like the way that she "tried the other grass" .... i just could not trust her and i was deeply hurt ... i loved her ... wanted her back in my life .... and yet i did not want to tell her so.... confused.... completely ... a week or 2 later when she was still abroad .... she called me ... and she was in tears ... begging ... could not resist seeing/hearing her like that so i boarded a plane and was next to her the day after ... first phrase i told her was "i never want to hear you cry again"..... While i upset the other girl when i told her the truth ... i flew off and tried to follow the heart and see what could he sorted out...As it happened she was very nice to me just like in the beginning but as i did not trust her it took me some time to accept her back ...when we were back in the country ... i did not tell her to leave the job as i reckoned it was not fair on her ... However i had told her please "not to" be in touch with the bastard as he had ruined my life and i did not feel like i could stand another trauma like that....Well things went ok for a while ... until 1 new phobia came into my life .... the bloody mobile ... the smses she used to still receive from the guy.... to put things short she lied to me on several occasions about the smses she was receiving .... and one fine day the message which i happened to read said "what are u up to sweet?"... There were several other smses ... all d time ... the thing freaked me out completely.... i could not trust anymore ...and was worried all the time ... felt like rubbish ... i was always there for her ....and i always did everything for her but she was truly trying my patiance .... Once she had also lied to me telling she was going to take long to come from work .... Worriedly her mobile was off .... and i thought she might have had a traffic accident ....so i went up to work ... to my dismay everything was closed and a person told me she had left "long time ago" ... So many lies ...She dumped me after confronting her calmly and telling her why she was lying to me with a nice tone and not aggressively ... i tried to be as patiant as i could. I also told her that if she was at some party with other people including this bloke ... i wouldn't have minded as long as she would have said the TRUTH. She got all worked up and dumped me one more time .. telling me that i was possessive and crap like that. I took her word ... apologised let her leave me yet one more time ... and some days later she called me telling me that the kid was in hospital ... I had remarked to her that she had dumped me some time before ... it was christmas i remember...She told me "don't be difficult" so i went there gave her one more time all the support she needed ... but didnt butt in or mention that i wanted her back ... SHe then told me that she missed me and stuff like that so we were back together on the 6th of january of of 2005.... it all went well again for some time ... until the instability started again... freaking out with me over nothing dumping me all the time....To conclude matters this is the last part...sorry for the length .... We were going on holiday to USA together in summer 2005 and i was made redundant by my employer due to financial problems ... I was very upset by the matter and unfortunately it happened to me when my relationship was at its worst peak... I was in tears when i lost the job... Told her about the matter and i also told her that i could not go on holiday with her .... Hoping that at least she would have given me some support in the only time i had needed it..... I just wanted to hear "im going nowhere without u darling" or something along those lines.... I would have still told her to go ... as long as i would have truly seen her true intentions..." Sadly enough" she told me "Im sorry but i need to go" ... i was very angry at this went out had a drink 2 , 3 was really stressed .... she called me went to her place .... we had a big argument ... she told me "its about time that u admitted that u did not love me" and it was there where i lost it ... was truly gonna slap her on the face but u chose to push her by the neck over the sofa instead ... I honestly felt like killing her but i did not raise a finger apart from that 3 second freak out ,,, I just felt she was abbusing me psychologically and with those drinks it in the head it just didnt make things any better...After coming back from the holiday.... She did not wanna know of being back together because according to her, I tried to choke her. Made it clear to her that if this was really the case i would have accomplished that with all the shit she put me through ... But i loved her too much to do so ....So it was friends once more .. however, she always called me, missed me , wanted to be seen around with me, sleep with me etc... but we were friends... I never accepted such things no matter how hard it was for me ....but i always hoped things would be ok again... it was then that she started meeting all of my male "friends" behind my back... It ended up with everyone backstabbing me ... One of these so called "friends" even told me that he "saw nothing wrong with asking her out now that things between us were ruined completely"... All this destroyed me even more ... alongside d guilt of having raised my hand in that incident ....She destroyed me completely ... i did not even go to a bday surprise party which these people made for me ... This delivered the message straightaway that i knew they "WEREN'T FRIENDS" at all..On one last incident i plucked up my courage and told her that i was sorry , did not want to lose her and that it was all my fault for everything. Her explicit reply was "i knew it" and told me that there was "absolutely no way of me and her getting ever back together" and that she was considering several options" ... Having heard that i left the place with a really broken heart...Turned off the phone, turned off my life .... she called me many many many times ... tried to sms me... phone was off..... i realised so cas some 3 months later i had a traffic accident and turned on the phone.... just as soon as i turned it on she was calling me like crazy and begging me to talk to her .... I realised that the damage was now done .... And i never answered her calls ....
The last summer (summer 2007) ... i receive an sms from an ex friend telling me "i'm not good at wording this.... I am sorry man ... i acted wrongly" ... It was then that i realised that this person was manipulating things in his favour and was ruining things between us.
I never fell in love again since ... I pray for forgiveness all the time and i also ask him to take care of har as i cannot take care of her anymore...
Tears fill my eyes 2 years down the line.... I tried going out with other women but it was all useless .... i just cannot feel the same ... i am not feeling well ... i feel lousy ... i feel old ... ugly ... stupid ...useless and a failure ... I am considering to put an end to things now that everything is over and im no good to nobody. I do not think i have any good qualities, i just feel a failure and i'm full of guilt for my actions... It turned out that the relationship in which i put most effort, is my most failed one...I never tried to contact her since ... but she never left my heart no matter how hard i tried to forget. Thanks for reading
Posted on 3 December 2007 @ 22:37 (London time) - permalink
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