| jojo2675, posted
over a year ago
Hi there, well its me again.....boy there was me thinking this would be the last post on here because I am trying my hardest to move on but unfortunately for me the feelings are still there for him.
When I left him in March time this year, we both met up again a month later and I left again and really didnt know what I wanted. I did feel a tad immature and not ready to settle, and felt incredibly claustraphobic as well. With memories of him flying around for these 6 months its been really hard for me to focus and really have a new relationship. So I tried dating others, 3 others, but well they never worked out. I was not really into them. Then I tried going on a dating site and well that never worked either...hmmm!!
So a few months on I call him to say hi, well he had met someone else, lives miles away etc, but then he says this is the one and never to call him again.So I dont ever.....in fact never, and it was at this stage where I told him I was kind of seeing someone else but it never worked out because I missed him instead. He didnt want to know and said it was bad timing and that I never wanted him...ok fair enough! With enough thinking and backwards and forwards emotions, I decide its time for me to move on and move away from the area to start again, new job, friends, life etc in October time to get away from old memories to try and help me.
So months pass, I have left him too it and assume he is happy now. Then last month, I see him on a dating site and well of course he is now single and I start receiving emails from him which arent your usual run of the mill.....chain ones with jokes. He has sent a few, obviously looking for my attention. Instead of asking how I am I get these instead.
Then the weekend just gone, he turns up outside my flat, with his new car....so there I am looking at him thinking...great, all my feelings come flooding back. We talk for what seemed like an hour or so and he tells me he was completely happy with me, but it was me who was dangerous and always out looking for something else. He said it would never work for me to be with someone the same as me. True indeed, but in fact I was feeling suffocated and needed to find me. I said I still truly loved him but that I needed to move away from him as there are too many memories for me here. He said he met someone out of rebound from me slept with her but his heart is not in dating others at the moment. (even though he is still on this so called dating site) I sit there, thinking god this is hard, tell him well my feelings wont change and I have decided not to date at the moment and focus on me. He asked what if these feelings never go away, I said well if they dont, then we were meant to be. But there is this voice inside saying....whats wrong and why cant you just relax and be yourself, say what you want to say...well because, first time I tried and he said he wasnt ready to get back, then I never hear from him at all, infact there was so many tears I thought he wanted to. But was it just emotional blackmail perhaps?
I cant get him to say much more, neither can I say anymore, I feel its hard to say anything after so much anger, hurt and resentment from when i left where he was clearly quite bitter and very emotional. I dont know what to think, I told him he can come to my leaving do if he wants, he admitted he would like to, doesnt have any friends to come with him but might come on his own, which is fine. He said we can still email one another while I am away. I said yes, but whether I will is another thing.
So I am writing on here to ask myself and you guys what the best thing to do is here. We are both not sure, he is scared in case I run away, I am scared in case well.....the same thing happens and he is just not up for it or strong enough to handle the situation again. He admitted that he was not strong enough and had me on this silly pedestal thing where he would do anything and tried too hard, I said I know. He also said he wants to settle, and that there is no way he wants second best, all he wants is someone who looks good on his arm but doesnt take his money and material possessions with them as a gold digger and to take his things for granted as well...(interesting comment to make) I was very independent and never liked to be bought.
I am in a confusing downward spiral at the moment, my heart cries out for him but there is fear. Fear for both him and for me....we arent strong enough together perhaps and maybe you can love someone but cant be with them. that I dont know anymore? So I ask myself why cant I forget him, why do I need to move away and why cant I find anyone who matches him?
please can someone make any understanding out of this as I am going around in circles completely all the time. I feel I tell him something about my life and he has to compete with me, as in moving to lONDON so he says, he says he is like this etc...then I say about horse riding, and he says he does it now, and then he turns up in this new car to impress and well I am like...and? after he has left I feel confused about it all, why?
thank you kindly for reading a rather long post!
xx
Posted on 11 September 2006 @ 16:43 (London time) - permalink
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