| babybaby, posted
over a year ago
been with my now ex boyfriend for about 5 years.. he lives in Canada and me in the states a long distance relationship. He is 29 and I am 27 We had an overall close relationship and i even lived with him for a year and it was the best experience we both enjoyed each other.. we fell in love over time and wanted to make it a goal to be together and move and a visa eventually when the time feel in place. Unfortantly I did something that hurt him pretty bad.. over the years I ran into some finance issues he was always working extra hard and sending me money to help me become stable. I believe I took him a little for granted on the money although I truly did have hard times.. he was sitting in the background working his butt off. Sometimes I would make decisions with the money and it would turn out to be a bad mistake because it would cost him more in the end. I also called him a really horrible name " i called him gay" this is when i had crossed the line and he had left me. I was feeling a little insecure this day, and it had to do with me not him and i poured my frustration out on him and hurt him where i knew it could hurt a mans pride.. deep down i feel i really wanted time with him and i wanted some of his attention .. and i was directing it in the wrong way.
It showed I was being so unappreciative, I was being so immature to say such a name and I didnt mean it one single bit he is a wonderful amazing and careing man that means a lot to me, I just didnt take the time to notice and realize during the time.. SO now he is gone although I cant blame him for what i did, he kept me on his messenger..unfortnatly for 6mths i prob drove him crazy with questions about the relationship and doing the whole retarded plead case.. im sure im driving him away because while before he was msging me a bit more now i get nothing.. so I now just give him his space.. a few days ago he did say good evening to me.. he seems to have a lot of questions for me.. where are u working now? and what kind of fish have you been catching? etc... ive been trying to act a little aloof so ill respond a few moments or an hour later so that im not desperate since i sorta made that scene already.. i also only talk for a little bit then say something like well i gtg now.. and take care of such and such.. he will just say alright take care. I am trying to act positive and that my life is going okay without him ill say well im happy with work.. etc.. and just be positive i let him guide the convo. he has not msged me in 2 days though now. I am hoping he will continue to try to contact me.. but I am not sure if he will.. the last time i had got questions out him during the plead months.. which i wish i didnt bug him with these questions but that needy stage was horrible.. i will say that our relationship has been a loving one as far as everything we have been through, i also did sacrafice for him too i even took a bus for 2 days to reach him, and i was always by his side no matter what and coming up with ideas for our next visit things we can do and see the time well spend the ways ill show him how appreciative i am of all his hard work.. how he makes me feel.. and how special he is to my heart. I believe he knows that i love him but feels he cant take the chance again.. since he feels he gave so many. No we never have broken up before but by chances he means he was warning me about how to use money properly and not hurt him or us in such ways.. and I was being to blind to see that.. maybe mis communication and pure immaturity.
Can I ever be forgiven? I don’t know
do you love me? I did love you
And being in love? Yes I can say that I am still in love
Can we rebuild what we have? right now I don’t want anyone not after what you have done I am very hurt
Would you prefer a lot more space and let this be? I can talk to you.
he also said If this was any other man he would not even be talking to you and have you on messenger, but because its you I am, so you better take what you can get out of me cause you dont have choices and cant argue this.
do you care about me? yes i do
do you feel well ever have an actual visit again? Im sure one day we can ( this was a strange answer)
How do you think I feel about you? Look I know you love me but how can I rely on you is another question how can I ever trust you again.. and know you wont turn on me and make a thousand mistakes that will hurt us.- this is when it dawned on me ways to fix myself.. and work for better.
What are my chances? no, you just don’t get it I have given you enough chances why should I risk again being burned. I don’t deserve this treatment.
I am not sure if he was just stringing me on this.. or what it was odd...some of the answers.. but he is an overall honest man but still dunno.
i do truly love this man or I wouldnt have given so much time to him for afar and make so many plans and goals with him. He really means so much to me and he is a great person I would love to work this out slowly but surely by starting with myself.. but how can i go about this.. after the deed done and after all this needy behavior has come to surface.. how can i show him the great woman i truly am.. at this point that i am at...how much space needs to be given, do i continue to just wait for him to msg me first if he ever does again, Does this look like a lost cause or possible chances.. just looking for some meaningful advice.. I am just ashamed at myself but most important that I have hurt the best person in the world.. and im sure he feels he can just do better forget this.. but i tell you what this man is everything one could ask for and it has been real love.. even though my flaws came through.. inside was another story i wasnt putting out my best foot forward into.
Posted on 27 August 2008 @ 11:37 (London time) - permalink
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