A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am struggling with my relationship with my wife's sister. I have been with my wife for ten years. We are happily married, in that we love and support one another and are united in our goals and hopes. We have some minor disagreements and issues, but our marriage, I believe, is sound. On the other hand, we both have stressful jobs, and that takes its toll on our ability to relax and have fun with each other. My wife has an older sister. Since the day I met her, we have been great friends. My view of her is that she is quite like her sister, (my wife), but with the "volume turned up." My wife is funny, engaging, pretty, a great person. Her sister is all of the same, but more of it as well. We have always loved each others company, and are always so happy to see one another at family get-togethers. She is also married.Over the years, we've engaged in small flirtations. Our family even jokes about us being such good friends. A few years ago, after a wedding reception, we had had a bunch to drink and shared a small kiss. It was unexpected and wonderful, but we never spoke of it, and never followed up on it again. This past weekend, after a big party, she and I were the last ones to bed. We ended up talking late into the night, and realized we were holding hands and I was rubbing her neck. We acknowledged we were at a line that we probably shouldn't cross, because of the numerous relationships at risk. As we were in the midst of that talk, we ended up passionately kissing for quite some time. We both acknowledged to each other that we love each other deeply and have done so for a long time. But we also acknowledged that there was "no place to go from here." This is not a question of lust -- I do love this woman, in a way that years of time together will develop. I care about her well-being, her advancement in her career, her difficulty with family challenges, and providing support and advice to her throughout these times. It has been interesting to me (and gut-wrenching) to come to a point where I genuinely do love two women at the same time. Doing so honestly may be a moral impossibility, given that true honesty and commitment requires forsaking others, but that does not change the fact that I am emotionally invested in the lives, loves, successes, and failures of both of these women.I'm not asking for permission from the readers to engage in this affair. We both have families of our own and we know that to go farther would be to destroy relationships throughout the family. But at this point, I am unwilling to engage in "hardline" decisions like never seeing her again, thinking bad thoughts about her, etc.Essentially, I need advice about protecting my marriage, and finding a way to love my sister-in-law in an appropriate way. She is a wonderful person, I want to keep her as the wonderful friend she is. I know that I can't eliminate my attraction to her entirely, but I was hoping for some helpful advice about discussing and acknowledging boundaries. Perhaps begin with exactly this discussion with her?Thank you.
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affair, engaged, flirt, kissing, love two, wedding Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): You and I are in the exact same boat, only you've gone a farther than my sis-in-law and I. I remember very clearly one Sunday at her home, she, I and our niece were on the sofa playing with the child. At some point, we were holding hands under the blanket and saying "I love you" to the child while squezing hands under the blanket. We never spoke of it but have always stolen glances at each other at family gatherings. It's best to leave it be. You know you love your wife, as I do mine of nearly 20 years. But you've grown close to her sister. Don't go any farther. Cherish the moments with your wife - enjoy the family get togethers but avoid the "near occasion of sin" by making sure you're not alone with her if you can help it.
Bless you,
me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): Your welcome! I think with your positive attitude and willingness to work on the marriage you will successfully make it work. Use the Life's Little How To Book to help you. It helped rekindle the passion in our marriage and I think can do wonders for your too. Take care.
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A
male
reader, eddie  + ♥, writes (7 October 2008):
 Sexual attractions are everywhere. To that I'd say...so what? I find my sister in law attractive too, the woman next door, my cousin etc. It means nothing. What we do with our feelings is the most important.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone.
Some of the responses missed the point, I think -- I'm not interested in moving forward with an affair, and I am interested in reinvesting into an already good marriage to make it even stronger.
I'm more interested in people's thoughts about close relationships that could involve sexual attraction, but that people step back from to preserve a valuable emotional and familial relationship. To those of you who gave advice on that issue, thank you especially.
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A
male
reader, eddie + ♥, writes (6 October 2008):
She can never be just a friend because of the boundaries you've already crossed. I'd bet as far as your wife would be concerned you might just have well done it all. Do not try to kid yourself and put this deceitful encounter up on a pedestal as something to protect. It was a foolish act. You should hope your wife never finds out as we'll be crushed from more than one side. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but this is a very difficult situation to get out of. If you're ever discovered, the hurt from this will be ten fold that of a regular affair.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): This was very disturbing to me. What started as an emotional affair is turning physical. (I find it odd that some men get divorced and find a woman that looks and acts like their Ex.) Rather than having 'dates' with your wife and keeping the spark alive, you settle for a counterfeit relationship with your Sister-in-law. Every marriage needs nurturing to keep it alive, otherwise you're vulnerable to any woman. You're playing with fire and you're going to get burned and regret it the rest of your life. Protect your marriage and don't put yourself in a position to be alone with your sister-in-law...and just for added effect, imagine Your wife laughing into his eyes of another man & then reaching in for a kiss...you never forget those moments...
There's still hope to save your marriage...I hope you choose right.
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A
female
reader, Annalisa  + ♥, writes (6 October 2008):
 As you say you love your wife too, I don't really see a problem, other than that of seeing your sister-in-law as a sexual partner.
Why not accept that you have grown to love her like a sister, perhaps? As you're not blood related, it is natural to experience some physical attraction, expecially in a society in which divorce and affairs are so common.
Italian families are very close and in-laws often get on this well, but it is so common that people actually just see these attractions as intense family ties and friendships. Your moral fibre will tell you to respect the physical boundaries you would have with your sister and not take it beyond a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
Discuss your boundaries and your love and respect for your respective partners as well as your fondness for each other.
There's no need to stop seeing each other, just make sure your wife gets more of your attention and is actually your best friend and the only woman you share your most intimate thoughts with.
God bless you and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): Do everything you can not to be in her presence and if you are make sure there are other people around. Everyone places themselves in certain situations. Avoid placing yourself in a situation that can destroy the marriage that you are committed to. You both have a family and it's important to stick to that committment. Everytime you find yourself have thoughts of the other woman redirect your attention to something else. I have been in a similiar situation and I know it can be fun thinking about the other person and it brings about this wonderful excitement and feeling inside however those same types of feelings need to be developed within your own marriage. An excellent book I found online at Barnes & Noble that helped me is called, Life's Little How To Book. It gives excellent tips on anything you can practically think of. What I liked about the book is the chapters on putting the sizzle back in your marriage and a married couple's path to sexual intimacy. After reading this book and sharing it with my spouse of 12 years the spark in our relationship rekindled. The book was way better than seeing a counselor. When your feeling tempted go over in your mind the consequences of your actions. What it would do to your family and her family. Hopefully that will be enough to stop you from moving forward in this relationship. I hope this helps. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Uncle_Phil + ♥, writes (6 October 2008):
 I think the easiest way would be to carry on as you did previously ie. without the kissing and groping.
I also think you've answered your own question in your last sentence!
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga +, writes (6 October 2008):
 Hi,It made me feel somewhat uneasy when i read your post i could not imagine my husband feeling and loving my sister as you do hers?Having said that these things happen! You don't mention children so i am assuming none are here?If they were my first priority would be to them not the wife's sister.I think it is possible to love two people at once but like 3 in a marriage it is never going to work is it? without someone getting deeply hurt and i feel for your wife because if you pursue with this affair and eventually maybe leave your wife through it she will have lost her husband and her sister! a deep blow for anyone to deal with.I don't understand why you cannot just be friends with the sister why are you doing this to your wife? do you not think maybe somewhere there is something missing or maybe because your interests are taking up with the sister you are neglecting your wife and to do that is totally unfair to her she is a innocent party here and i think more respect from yourself is called for here.If your wife and yourself have issues that need resolving and i am sure there must be some here for you to wander away to the sister do you not think maybe you should try and find out why your marriage has nothing in there to stop you from starting a full blown affair here?I can't see any happiness coming from this to be honest look at it long term if you both decided to run away and set up home together it will all have to be done underhand cause her family will never accept you for doing this so in return she will too lose her family and is this worth that?You both will be leaving a trail of destruction here i can see it happening if you are not careful i once witnessed this happening to a work colleague and it was awful for them all, the girl has never seen her family in 6 yrs! they will not talk or have anything to do with her and to make matters worse these were twin sisters!!I really feel you do love your wife and her you i think because of stress through your jobs you are both unable to feel relaxed around one another and maybe certain vibes are rubbing off on you both why not take time to get to know one another again try and stay away from the sister do not ever allow yourself to be alone with her you are both cheating here and it is wrong i feel you should put more effort into your wife and maybe just maybe that spark you feel is missing may come back ten years together is a long time you must not throw that away especially when you say you still love her maybe the sister is providing you with a little escapism?Is it really worth throwing what you have for your wife and those ten years together away? Just for a little Fantasy?I think you have become infatuaited with the sister and you owe it to your wife to do the decent thing if you cannot be with her and stay faithful then maybe you have to come clean here because doing it behind her back is so so wrong and you know that would you like this done to you?Imagine her horror when she finds out her sister is taking her man?I think you are walking a tightrope here and without a safety net??Think carefully my friend their is a lot at stake here.Ginalolabridga
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